Tag: Ayahuasca

Ayahuasca: New Traditions and Sacred Values

The ancient practices surrounding Ayahuasca are considered to be sacred as is the medicine itself. I truly respect and appreciate the sacred traditions of Peru where I first drank the medicine. It’s important to have this kind of respect but if we don’t have self respect, it’s difficult to cultivate a healthy respect for other people, cultures and for the environment itself. This is what this teacher plant can offer us – an opportunity to heal, and developing self respect is an integral part of healing. This medicine can heal on a level that will help us to develop qualities that will ultimately benefit all. What I’ve learned through many of these experiences is that what truly serves our highest good, serves all. Another lesson from this medicine is that we are all sacred, and how we feel, live and think are so much more important than the kinds of things we focus on all too often. Perhaps we can consider this aspect of our lens/focus as we delve into the issue of Ayahuasca traditions and the modern expansion of this medicine.

The truth is that Ayahuasca is being practiced in the Amazon in a very different way than it has been for most of its existence.  Ayahuasca is being offered to large numbers of people from all over the world. This comes with its challenges but also with benefits. I think it’s plain to see the challenges. People are using it in many ways that can be at times harmful and disrespectful. The ways and degrees considered to be harmful are debated by many but it’s certainly true that there are harms. This happens because people who have been harmed/wounded have not healed sufficiently and are serving the medicine and working with it in ways that negatively impact the experience for those involved in these spaces/retreats. This harmful impact is true of any area of life. It’s true of any wounded leader, teacher, parent or employer/boss. It’s true of many who are featured prominently in mass media. Those who have influence over others emit an energy that impacts the people surrounding them and especially those subject to their decisions.  I’m sure you can think of many such wounded people who are harmfully impacting many others.

I have come to understand that Ayahuasca has it’s own intentions and purpose. I also believe that despite the difficulties, it’s quite intentional that this medicine is spreading worldwide and it’s understandable that as it spreads, there will be a messy transition. It’s also understandable that there will be some wounded/unhealed people serving the medicine. This isn’t new and has been happening across all cultures for thousands of years. Wounds didn’t begin in the Western world but we certainly have our fair share of them built into our culture. It’s not surprising that new traditions are being born. All traditions were once born and continue to be born. It’s also to be expected, that many people who are just discovering this medicine will use it in ways that are very different than what is considered to be traditional. However, I feel that we can learn a lot from those who are most experienced with it and most importantly, from the medicine itself – a very wise teacher who has been teaching indigenous cultures for ages.

I feel that to honour Ayahuasca is to honour the wisdom and the nature of its healing. The medicine has made its way into other cultures and areas of the world for a reason. It is a medicine and it’s treating illnesses. These illnesses are not only physical. That is simply one way that they manifest. These illnesses appear in many ways, some that might even be considered to be ‘normal’ and they don’t only exist in one area of the world, they exist everywhere. This is why integration is important for all – even though it may be experienced and/or pursued differently for each of us. Integration is a new tradition and I believe it’s a good one. Sometimes, we may be in danger of honouring the traditions more than the values of Ayahuasca. This reminds me of the reason why religion confused me and mostly failed to inspire me – Christianity and Catholicism in particular. It occurred to me very early in life that in many situations, the focus of religion was on tradition and rules rather than living the values at the very core of the religion. They forgot about love – the most sacred of all values.

My own relationship with Ayahuasca has been both of a traditional and non-traditional nature. However, the teachings align very closely with many espoused by the masters.  To honour Ayahuasca, we need to give those who have been learning from these teacher plants for many years and generations a voice in our communities. They carry with them the kinds of teachings that transcend tradition and speak to the very heart of the human experience. This wisdom carries with it the capacity to bring us together and through healing, so many of us can see how harmful divisive social attitudes (or should I say antisocial attitudes?) can be despite the best of intentions. This issue of Ayahuasca spreading into other cultures and how it used and regarded or disregarded etc can be an opportunity for us to heal a wound created long ago – a division that may be ready to heal. If we allow for it, this will be a profound accomplishment that will definitely serve all.

I experienced Ayahuasca in what would be considered by many to be a traditional setting in the jungle with Maestras and Maestros from the Shipibo tradition. Except for the fact that there were people from all over the world receiving the medicine, I believe that these incredibly loving and gifted shamans performed their work in a way that was considered to be traditional. I admired everything about them and it was clear to me that they loved their work, which is very important. All of this work was being done so that we could experience the gift of Ayahuasca. What would be the point of any of it if we didn’t follow the wisdom of this teacher plant? As many people do, I had a dialogue with Ayahuasca from the very beginning. Ayahuasca hinted to me back then the nature of the work that I would do – working with the medicine in some way – and I was so reluctant. I figured that this would entail years of training under the tutelage of Maestras/Maestros and I had a young son that needed me at home. One of the reasons I was there was to heal from depression which had compromised my connection with my son and everyone else but especially, with me. Ayahuasca’s response to my reluctance was “don’t worry, we will stay with you”. And so ‘they’ did.

When I returned home, I began a sort of training that was very unique and directed by this same voice that I heard when I experienced the medicine. It has taken me through a long and arduous journey that has allowed me to build a better relationship with myself while building one with my son. It has taken me through some fascinating and deeply healing experiences that have taught me about my own ability to heal myself and it helped me to understand the origins of certain kinds of emotional and physical pain. It also helped me to be aware of my thoughts and feelings and the connection between the two and how to use tools to address unhealthy thought patterns. It has taught me a great deal and when I interview people on my show who have been through traditional training, I recognize some of the learning I’ve already been through and I understand why I was trained in this way. I needed to be with my son and I needed to train in a new way that was all about integrating this wisdom into my life that is not lived in a jungle or amongst people who understand this medicine. It’s lived here in a world that needs to change.

This higher form of consciousness that expresses itself as Ayahuasca has wisdom to offer that is sometimes beyond our understanding. If we are to honour it, we must trust it. It has made its way around the world intentionally and we have an opportunity to support that. Although many of us have different ideas as to the best way to experience the medicine, let’s try to honour the most sacred of the teachings of Ayahuasca: love.

Ayahuasca is a gift and everyone who receives and offers it is at a different stage of growth. I know that the medicine has changed many lives but everyone is free to choose just how they want to continue this kind of personal work or if they want to continue it at all. Having this freedom is the nature of our existence. I hope that many people choose to use this freedom in a healthy way and I think the medicines are helping people to get there. Many of us are finding that the medicine asks us to take responsibility for our own lives, live them with love and recognize how powerful we are because often, we use that power against ourselves and against others. This is also a choice.

One of the most important aspects of my ongoing training is the focus on self. For the first year after I arrived back from the jungle, Ayahuasca made me aware of how much energy I was expending in my mind on other people, what they thought and what they were doing. I was continually asked to focus on my own reactions to others and to discover why I was having them. This changed everything for me. Instead of expending energy on what I couldn’t change, I was beginning to understand, heal and change myself in some incredible ways. This was powerful. It became such a deeply rooted habit that when it came time to speak about things affecting others, I was again very reluctant. But when I found that there was no longer that edge in my feelings about it, I knew that I was ready.

I think that the best way for us to honour Ayahuasca is to honour ourselves. And the best way to honour ourselves is to heal and love ourselves without judgement wherever we’re at in our lives and this will help us to approach others in the same way. It will also help us to approach other larger issues in healthier ways. Not all of us find ourselves able to do this all the time but if this is our intention, I know that we will be supported in this work. If we keep to honouring Ayahuasca in this way, all of the things that we hope to change will follow from this one most important act of power, the source of which is love.

Mastering the Mind

Ayahuasca has taught me many things and one of the main areas of both study and application of these lessons has involved the mind. This talk will provide you with some valuable insights and tools to help you master your mind!

Intentional Blends

Intentional blends are a unique, customized combination of 5 organic essential oils, blended in a carrier oil that is used to accompany and inspire daily intentions. The blend is applied to the crown, the forehead (3rd eye) and the heart centre while the intention is formed. This can be a powerful and enjoyable daily ritual that can help you live your life more intentionally. It can also be applied to the wrist or anywhere else you would normally use a fragrance.

For me, this ritual has changed the way that I approach each day. Instead of wondering what’s in store for me, I focus internally, where I can bring about the kind of changes that I intend to manifest around me. I do this while surrounding myself with the fragrance of plants which are much more powerful than we often realize. Please contact me directly if you would like me to make a custom intentional blend for you.

Testimonials:

“Love your blends. I have used them everyday since I got mine. Feel awesome and grounded. Recommend everyone to try them out. Specially as Rebecca Hayden makes them intuitively and they are specific to your currents needs. A must try if you are looking to improve your life! Thank you for making these awesome combinations!”  – Vinita Shaw

“Let me say that this represents a simple and meaningful ritual you can incorporate into your daily routine. That and each oil blend is created with you in mind. Happy to have found this!”  –  Lawrence Cotton

“An amazing product line from an awesome intuitive person! I love my intentional blend essential oil and apply it every morning as I set an intention. A great gift for yourself and friends.” – Guy Crittenden

The Story of Intentional Blends:

I created my first intentional blend when I returned from my Ayahuasca retreat in Peru. During my time among the Shipibo Maestras (Shamans), I was given a ‘pusanga’. This was a bottle of floral water that I used to create daily intentions. It is a tradition among the Shipibo people to dab this floral water on the crown (top of the head), the third eye (middle of the forehead just above the eyes) and the on the heart centre while creating an intention for the day. I took my Pasanga home but found that I didn’t like the fragrance. I created my own with the guidance of a presence that has become a part of my life since my experiences in Peru. I was provided with a list of 5 specific essential oils and the number of drops were specified as well. I used this until it was empty and then a brand new formula was given to me. Months later, a friend came to stay with me from out of town and while showering one morning, a list of 5 essential oils were given to me for her. I asked her if she’d like for me to make her this blend and she agreed. She loved the fragrance. I instructed her how to use it and months later, when she had used it all, a new list of oils was given to me for her and for many others.

Since then I have discovered that this ritual has been practiced throughout history by many different religions and cultures and it’s almost always considered to be sacred (relating to religion/spirituality and/or healing). “Anointing” it is called and it’s performed at the height of the coronation (the crowing of royalty) signifying the royal person’s direct connection to God. In various religions, high priests are anointed in this way. Anointing of one sort or another is performed in many religions worldwide. It was practiced by the Egyptians and other indigenous cultures including this ancient Shipibo tribe. The Christian tradition also uses 5 oils, which was a revelation to me as I had always wondered why there were always 5 notes/EOs designated for each blend. There is still a great deal of mystery surrounding all of this for me but I am at peace with the mystery. It leaves me open to learning more and allows me to remain in a state of wonder – which is something I never want to lose.

Of course essential oils have their own healing powers beyond the role they play in this particular ritual. However, the explanation that most closely resembles the one provided to me by the same source of these unique blends (involving frequency and vibration) is the following excerpt from a book by Dr. David Stewart entitled: Chemistry of Essential Oils

“When molecules of essential oils are inhaled swallowed applied to the skin or internalized into your body in anyway they resonate with your bodily tissues at the frequencies intrinsic to their molecular spectrum as well as their resultant harmonic and beat frequencies. This increases your natural electromagnetic vibrations and restores coherence to your electric fields to produce healing and maintain the wellness.”

Finally, this quote:

“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”

Nikola Tesla

Please contact me if you would like me to create an intentional blend for you.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Intentional-Blends-1955315441346548/

Integration

Ayahuasca is a medicine that helps us to change the way we see ourselves and our lives. It can change our understanding of our very existence. It calls into question many commonly held beliefs and this can be a profound experience indeed. It can also be a disturbing experience because it has the power to disturb the rhythm our lives and the way that we think. Within this disturbance lies the possibility for great change. The desire for change is often what leads us to the medicine in the first place.

The plant medicine experience has the power to shift your life in a profound way. It is the beginning of “The Work”. This work entails not only honouring this shift but opening up to further shifts that will continue to bring about the kinds of changes that were the impetus for the journey with Ayahuasca. Although everyone’s experience of Ayahuasca may be different, there are underlying universal lessons and necessary changes in perspective that help each person, in their own way, to improve their lives.

I have been engaging in shamanism and working with plant medicines for over 7 years now and during this time I have worked solely and intensively on integrating the experiences I’ve had with these medicines into my daily life. This work has improved my outlook, mood, health and relationships exponentially. I have had continuous assistance from our plant allies and continue to work with them to help others to make the most out of their experiences.

One of the most effective and surprisingly empowering integrative tools that I have encountered so far in this journey has been hypnosis. To learn more, click here or contact me at rebecca.hayden@gmail.com

Ayahuasca on Love

It’s Valentine’s Day and although I can’t say that this is usually a big holiday for me, I have been thinking about love and expressing it on this day. I’m single right now and I will be spending Valentine’s Day with my 7 year old son. This is something I’m looking forward to. I know that we generally think of Valentine’s Day as celebrating romantic love and I think that we’re limiting ourselves in this way. I have been urged more and more to ‘put pencil to paper’ as Ayahuasca advised during my last ceremony so I’m doing this in cases where I’m asking about things that might concern everyone. I asked about love, thinking of it both in the way of celebration and in a way that will help us. I wrote the answer which I have typed out in Italics below. The message begins from the standpoint of a separate entity by saying ‘your’ and ‘you’, and then moves into the position of ‘our’. This has happened before and I don’t correct it. I always hear this voice from the perspective of ‘we’ (they speak as a collective that is speaking to ‘me’) but lately and especially when it comes to something I intend to share publicly, it quickly moves into ‘we’ as in all of ‘us’. I hope you don’t find this too confusing.. the message is the important thing. 😉

—

Love is the root of your existence. To celebrate love is to celebrate all of existence. Begin with you and move on from there to everything and everyone. We love ourselves into existence and the quality of our existence depends on the quality of our love. Judgmental, conditional love creates an existence of suffering. When we create an atmosphere of punishment, we deliver love only as a method of reward. Love is not a reward, it is the very fabric of a healthy existence and it is boundless. When we limit love, when we restrain it, we are compromising our very existence.

—

When I read the above message and thought about posting it, I admit to feeling a little reluctant. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel the wisdom in it, I always do. I just felt that maybe people aren’t ready to embrace this and I felt that I’m not always able to live up to it myself even though I try (which is where the judgment comes in of course 😉  Here’s the response I got:

—

Your existence is in a state of flux right now. People are learning to approach things differently and this will change things very quickly. This new approach will allow for growth and change on a different level than you have seen before.

You look at these words of love with a sense of the past and with a feeling of heavy responsibility for yourself and for others. You must only take responsibility for yourself and know that when you form the intention to live in this natural state of love, you feel the authenticity of it. When you deviate from it, you feel the pain – judgment/punishment of self and others.

—

 

Ayahuasca Talks!

This is a talk I gave at the Centre for Social Innovation in Toronto on November 30th, 2016. This is the back up video and lighting challenges made it necessary to film in a close up fashion but hopefully, the message will outweigh the video quality. 😉

A huge thanks to Yvonne Erlichman for filming this talk and my unending thanks to the Temple of the Way of Light for not only providing some of the photos for this talk (of the vine itself and of the Shipibo Maestra/Shaman) but for the extraordinary time I spent there in the jungle where I first discovered Ayahuasca.

Movies, Healing and Emotional Detox

After returning from Peru in the spring of last year I underwent an unusual form of healing. It was a long and guided process that was tailor made for me and involved one of my favourite activities: watching movies. Initially upon my return from Peru I participated in what is called ‘The Presence Process’ as I had been guided to do in one of my Ayhuasca sessions but after that, the guidance continued and I have been continuing on in this guided way ever since. While in Peru, experiencing group Ayahuasca ceremonies, like many others, I was witness to some outpouring of emotion by various members in the group as part of their healing process. I was surprised to find that only one night in the entire two weeks did I find myself becoming emotional and it was fairly mild. After returning home and finding that I was being guided to do specific things to continue my unique healing process, I soon came to understand that there would be many opportunities for me to pour out my emotions.

One of the most consistent ways that I engage in this emotional healing is through film. It’s hard to tell at this point what I find more surprising, the guidance or the fact that watching films has become an act of healing for me. I think this pronounced internal guidance I’m receiving tops the list of surprising things hands down but it has become so much a part of everyday life for me that I begin to put it down to the regular internal dialogue that I’ve always had and that most people have. The difference is that my internal dialogue was never so wise, instructive, healthy or supportive. Shortly after completing the ‘presence process’ which was a revelation in itself, I was guided to watch certain movies. The first such instruction came to me while at home going about some regular tasks and the movie title would not leave my head. It was reinforced over and over. It was a film I didn’t really want to watch which helped me to accept that this was more than just some kind of preoccupation I was having. I watched the movie and found that I was very emotional during certain parts of it. It was not a normal experience. Of course I had been emotional during movies before but not on this scale and not in this way. During this movie there were parts that struck me in such a profound way and my response was immediate. Through these certain parts of the story, I was made to understand the message that was being communicated to me. There were both messages and lessons that formed an important part of my healing.

This form of healing continued and I was guided to watch other movies. Sometimes through a certain part of a film or during an entire film I was made to see certain parts of my behaviour that was not impressive to say the least. This is a common phenomenon when working with plant medicines so it was apparent to me that this medicine was still having an effect. This has been known to happen but everyone’s experience of it is different. There were also many other kinds of insight I received through this form of healing. I was made to see certain events in my life in ways that changed my perspective and gave me a better understanding of what I had experienced and how it had affected me. Other times I was given greater lessons about humanity. Some of these lessons we all know theoretically: the tragedy of how we hurt one another and how this is perpetuated generation after generation. We do this because we’re unaware of things we carry inside of us that cause harmful behaviour which is difficult for us to see from our own standpoint – unless we make a concerted effort to do so that is.

This lesson is one of the most important ones because it’s so universal. We hear it and it makes sense but somehow these lessons for me took on a whole new depth when watching these movies. It was something I had agreed to do for the purpose of healing and this is what took it beyond the usual movie watching experience. The movies became a tool or a vehicle to reach me and they did with tremendous impact. It’s really quite startling the difference between just passively watching a movie (as I had done so many times before) and being guided to watch one for the purpose of healing. I could watch the same movie an hour, a day or a week later and have no reaction at all. The agreement I made each time pertained to a specific movie to be watched with an intention of healing at a particular time in my life. This combination was what seemed to bring about this extraordinary experience.

The messages I receive in this way rarely have anything to do with the subject matter of the film. Sometimes the subject is used to convey certain concepts but mostly it’s the mystifying power of stories themselves that have been traditionally used to convey ideas, concepts and lessons for centuries. Sometimes an actual sentence will stand out in a way that I know it’s meant for me. It’s very clear and the messages are always full of wisdom, compassion and insight. It’s been such a fascinating experience and the best part is that after I commit to watching the film that has come up for me, I feel so much better afterwards. There is a distinct difference between this and having a good cry at a movie. With every tear, something within me changes and afterwards the feeling of release is unmistakable. This change happens on a deep level and I feel lighter. Through this process I’m often relieved of something that had been dogging me for a very long time – an emotional or psychological weight has been lifted. This is often in stark contrast to the way I feel beforehand.

I’ve come to refer to this process as emotional detox. I do this because the build up to the healing itself is a feeling of emotional toxification. The things inside of me that need to be healed rise within me and it feels awful. Sometimes I need to live with these uncomfortable feelings for what seems like a long period of time before they are relieved through this form of healing. The word uncomfortable is really too mild a word to describe what happens. Sometimes it’s almost unbearable. It varies of course like illness often does from mild to more severe. When it’s severe I pity the people I’m around and try to minimize the casualties in my midst through containment. I try to manage my reactions to things. This is something I agree to as well and it can be quite the challenge. Given how long I’ve been at it, the severity of the build-up has reduced significantly. I still don’t like the feeling of each build-up but I’m reminded of earlier days and know that it’s well worth the progress I’ve made. It seems that this healing happens in stages related to layers of pain that have been lingering deep inside for years. The timing of these healings is still a mystery to me among so many mysteries I will probably never understand.

Some movies I was guided to watch were very hard to get a hold of. They were movies from my childhood – obscure ‘70s movies – but the response once I watched them was so powerful. Other times it was obnoxious ‘80s movies I had no interest in seeing and I really had to muster up some faith to bring myself to watch them. This was especially true because of how miserable I was feeling working up to this point and yet my motivation to relieve these awful feelings always eclipsed my reluctance. No matter how consistently I was healed by this process I questioned it every time. I still do. It’s something I had to get used to. I often laugh about the tenacity of my doubt given the consistently positive results but after a lifetime of believing that this kind of thing is not possible, it’s difficult to shake the part of myself that still doubts. I’ve become accustomed to doubt now and allow it to flow through me without giving it too much energy.

It’s been and continues to be a remarkable experience. I’ve been asked to watch films where I can relate to every character in the film – even the nasty ones and ones I never could have imagined relating to before. It’s been enlightening, astonishing and liberating. It has released me from issues that had been clouding my judgement and holding me back in so many ways. It has alleviated maladies I didn’t even know I had and healed others that I felt were beyond anyone’s powers. It has strengthened my relationships with those closest to me, especially my young son, and has helped me to face things in my life in a more honest and direct way. This has been a result of not only this peculiar movie technique but the constant guidance I’ve received daily. It’s been an extraordinary experience that I doubt words can do justice to but I’m utterly compelled to try.

I’ve always been a questioning sort of person and continue to be although I don’t always get the answers I want. Sometimes I don’t get answers at all but what I get is far more important than that. I get positive change. That’s far more valuable than anything that answers can provide. These changes within me are worth embracing any notions I previously considered to be strange or impossible or flighty (the list goes on). The truth is that I’m not asked to believe anything really. I’m just asked to agree to do certain things to heal. One of the things that I know is part of my healing is to speak and it would be impossible for me not to speak about this inner guidance. I know it’s inside of all of us. It’s a phenomenon that has such possibilities to end suffering and to bring about peace. It has astounding potential and yet it is a very personal and unique experience for everyone. It can’t be bottled or marketed but it can be shared and people can be inspired to pursue their own experience of it in their own way and that’s what I hope to do.

 

The Presence Process

During one of my Ayahuasca sessions in Peru I was instructed to start “The Presence Process” right away. I had bought the book before I took the trip as I had read about it on the website for the organization I visited in Peru. I had the book with me on this trip but had yet to read it and of course, Ayahuasca knew this along with all kinds of intimate details of my life. Most people who do Ayahuasca can tell you that this plant spirit reveals things that make it very clear that it has in-depth knowledge of who you are and it can be surprising at times how completely it understands you – often more than you understand yourself which is why it can be an extremely insightful experience to connect with this spirit. I had the intention of changing my life completely according to the revelations of these spiritual experiences so that I may live a more meaningful, authentic and powerful life. After reading the substantial intro to the book “The Presence Process” (almost half the book) I embarked upon a remarkable healing journey and realizing the powerful tools it had to offer, I knew why it had been recommended to me.

It’s a very difficult process and many times during it I had been desperate to find some kind of support beyond the book. I looked for some feedback about it online and it was only after I finished the process (or the main part anyway) that I found some questions and answers on the portal that was somewhat along the lines of what I had been seeking. However, I realized in retrospect that if I didn’t find it when I was looking, I wasn’t meant to. I’m beginning to have a lot more faith in these kinds of things in my life as I am now being guided in so many ways that I can’t fail to see that most if not everything in life has a rhythm and is a result of some part of who I am and where I’m at. In fact, Ayahuasca responded to my curiosity about the nature of reality by stating that my reality was a result of my ‘state’. And ever since, this spiritual presence that has remained with me has been guiding me in ways to help me change my state for the better. Some of these changes are painful and this process is a powerful vehicle that facilitates these crucial changes.

During the process I experienced a great deal of emotional upheaval. I began to realize that this was (and still is) a sort of emotional detox. It’s helpful to remember this while experiencing it because it can be confusing and discouraging. We all associate healing with good feelings but when we feel bad, we immediately think that something must be wrong. We often have this reaction when we’re feeling physically sick but again, there can be symptoms of detox that facilitate healing that are quite uncomfortable. I remember a couple of years ago having pneumonia at Christmas time. I had a fever of 104 and needless to say, I was quite seriously ill. I purged a great amount of mucous (my apologies for the graphic description) and afterwards, my chest and lungs felt better than they had felt in years. I could breathe much more easily and felt so much stronger for it. I realized then that my body was actually healing me. I think this happens far more often than any of us realize.

On an emotional level, it becomes very difficult to keep a steady view of this necessary part of healing and I still marvel at how often I am taken off guard by it when these bouts of emotional detox occur. Although I have completed the process, I am still undergoing the healing process in a more relaxed manner so to speak. When the need arises, I am able to put the tools I learned in this process to work and of course the need does arise often enough for me to know that in order to fulfill my intention, I must do a lot more healing and in so doing, continue to change my ‘state’. I often still balk at these feelings when they overcome me and once I catch myself in this familiar reaction, I realize that I must accept these feelings or I won’t be able to integrate them and therefore overcome the way they affect my life (and my reality). I can’t pretend that I always react well. It has been a huge learning curve to respond to these emotions differently than I have done for so many years but I am determined to do better each time – or to try anyway. One way or another, with a great deal of help from my guiding spirits or this ‘presence’ I’ve felt since I returned from Peru, I have managed to make progress.

It has been and continues to be a tremendous challenge and an empowering experience. I’m not sure what other people’s experience of this process is but I know that I’m just so grateful for the guidance I received during it and continue to receive. I would be interested in hearing about other people’s experiences and whether or not they felt a presence working with them. I want to make it clear that I’m not in a position to guide or advise anyone else because I know how unique everyone’s situation is, and from what I can gather, this process is about working one on one with presence itself to sort out these very personal issues. Having said this, I also know that sometimes it can be helpful just to share experiences and give and receive support when going through such a challenging process. My process was and continues to be fully guided and I was given some very specific instructions while going through this experience. I continue to be guided and although I may still get confused at times and feel doubt, I know that my life is immeasurably richer in every way due to the guidance I receive. I can only hope that others find their own way of seeking internal guidance, as I believe that this is the way that our world will truly change for the better.

Post Script: The source for Q&A provided by the author of The Presence Process that I found after the fact can be accessed now through this link: http://presenceprocessquestions.blogspot.ca/2009/07/i-have-done-presence-process-twice-but.html

Waking up. the shamanic Path of Self Discovery & Spiritual Growth

Waking up is different now. I used to try to clear my head when I was waking up. I tried to orient myself to the day ahead and to the physical world around me. Now I do just the opposite. I try to hang onto that twilight state as long as possible and glean what I can from the dream world I haven’t quite left behind me. It is in this twilight state that I am often able to connect more fully with a form of wisdom that is not normally accessible in our world. This is now the guiding wisdom in my life and I am committed to following it as faithfully as possible. Following conventional wisdom only led me into despair so there is no turning back for me now.

Just over 7 years ago I began to emerge from a very deep depression that I had endured for 4 years of my life. The word depression doesn’t really convey the kind of experience you have when it takes you over. During that time it was a torment to be alive and in the end, after pursuing as many of the mainstream solutions as I could stand (most made things far worse for me), I was ready to do just about anything to relieve my suffering. I then discovered an unusual form of ‘energy healing’. I found it remarkable that energy could flow through me and move my body in a way that began to heal me without interference from my mind. I felt a change in me and had to know more about energy healing and where it originated. I bought a book on the subject and it became apparent that energy healing had its roots in shamanism.

I began to look for ways to learn more about shamanism and discovered an opportunity that was perfect for me. It was a workshop that was an introduction to this mysterious world of knowledge and I was somehow confident that it would make a big difference in my life despite the fact that I knew so little about it. It seems to me now looking back that it must have been at that point that my intuition had finally kicked in. Either that or I wisely began to follow it instead of ignoring it in favour of other people’s opinions of what was best for me or what I needed. Shamanism was a mystery to me but the word was familiar so I knew that I must have heard something about it before. Since then I recalled that years before while taking a 3rd year university course called Philosophy of Psychology, I had read material that included a story about a psychologist who went into an indigenous community with the intention of exposing the shaman as a charlatan. Instead the psychologist was won over by the experience. I hadn’t recalled this until recently so when I entered this workshop, I really had nothing to go on but my experience of energy healing and my conviction that this was where I needed to be.

I went into this experience with an openness that was fueled by my desire to heal. All of my previously held ideas and judgements about spirituality fell by the wayside like so many other preconceived notions that had been lost while I sank deeper into depression. I had been deconstructed in a way by depression and that would ultimately become an important aspect of my recovery. The workshop provided all participants with various methods used to connect with ‘spirits’ but the main one was to ‘journey’ into the spirit world. This was achieved by laying blindfolded and listening to what they called sonic drumming which was a monotonous drum beat intended to bring the participants into an altered state of consciousness. I had never been able to meditate so this experience was a frustrating one for me initially. I tried all of the techniques that were recommended and wasn’t able to experience what everyone else did in each session. Many people described entering a beautiful and magical place and interacting with spirits in various forms. Hearing these stories made me feel more frustrated than ever. Finally, when it came time to use these journeying sessions to perform a task for other participants, I simply had to tell our instructor that I was unable to do so. He agreed to journey on my behalf and perform this task for me. The task was to connect me with my ‘helping spirit’. Once this task was completed, with very little effort on my part, I was told what form the spirit took – an animal – and was given one more opportunity to ‘journey’. This time, I had visions while my eyes were closed, and they were relevant to the concerns I had in my life at that time. The visions were very short lived and later, I was tempted to believe that I had imagined it all. Writing this now, I remember a friend who had previously told me that she had visions. I remember thinking “why does she do this?” “for attention maybe?”. I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t consider for a moment that she really did have these visions. It was outside of my experience, so I dismissed it out of hand looking for other reasons why she might tell such a story. I’m now becoming well acquainted with the concept of a cosmic joke. There are often valuable lessons to be had in these cosmic jokes and if we can learn to fully appreciate this we can benefit from these ‘jokes’ immensely.

I didn’t really know what to make of the whole shamanic experience afterwards. All I wanted was to feel better and after the workshop was over, I did. I was able to visit my father in hospital where he had resided for 6 months in extended care after an accident that caused him a severe brain injury. I wasn’t able to do this before. In fact, I wasn’t able to do much of anything really so this was a huge step forward. It was just one step on a long road but at last I felt like progress was possible and that things could really change for me. I began to test out my ability to communicate with this ‘spirit’. I did so by asking questions of it before I went to sleep. I began to have visions sometimes that responded to these questions while I was in that twilight state just before sleep (and sometimes afterwards). I didn’t really consider the fact that I was about to enter an altered state of consciousness when going to sleep. I did this before sleep initially because it was sort of like a prayer and that was my only frame of reference to spirituality whatsoever. It was a surprise to me that I found myself involved in anything spiritual given my previous negative experiences associated with religion but I had been suffering so deeply that I was willing to do anything to relieve it.

It took me quite a while to realize that there may have been a purpose to the suffering after all. I know that I wouldn’t have pursued any of this if I hadn’t been so desperate to relieve my suffering. I have little doubt now that I was meant to have these experiences but unfortunately a little goes a long way. While working on my doubt I continue to have extraordinary experiences. I often call them “incredible” and then I think on the meaning of that word. Things we find overwhelmingly positive we often refer to as ‘incredible’ and things we find to be negative, we often refer to as ‘reality’. Our language itself seems to be skewed in favor of legitimizing the negative over the positive. Up until now, I was mostly focused on getting better and that’s all that mattered. It’s still really all that matters but when conveying this experience to others, the issue of credibility does come up although it’s rarely addressed head on. I think it will be an interesting experience to explore what we consider to be credible and how we measure credibility. My way of exploring is through discovering the meaning. Others explore scientifically. There are many ways to explore and I believe that we all have our own ways and means and this is a reflection of how beautifully unique we all are. Given the experiences I’ve had, I believe that our uniqueness has value and that there is great potential for harmony among all of these unique avenues of inquiry and exploration.

The questions I put to this spiritual presence initially were all related to physical and emotional issues that I was suffering from at the time. I often got answers in the form of words or images. Sometimes I wouldn’t get words or images but would soon stumble across a remedy or opportunity of one sort or another and eventually I realized that this was in fact the answer or response to my question. One of those answers was Iboga. It is an entheogen, or plant medicine as they are often called. Sometimes they are also called visionary or teacher plants. All good names I think. Iboga is in fact a tree and it’s the bark of this tree that is ingested in the shamanic ceremony. When you ingest it, your state of consciousness is altered and you are able to ask questions of the spirit that inhabits the plant or in this case, tree. When experiencing Iboga you often have visions that make you an observer of your own life experience. These visions are often designed to allow the observers to see certain behaviours that do not serve them. I had these kinds of visions and they had an enduring impact on me. If I was in my regular state of mind at the time of having them, it would have been a painful experience (the images were not flattering) but I wasn’t and the normal reaction was suspended long enough to allow me to see and fully realize the truth of these images. It’s not an easy thing but very powerful. There are many other experiences to be had with Iboga and there is the potential to answer a vast range of questions not only about oneself but about the world, the universe and everything as they say.

Every experience with Iboga is unique to the individual who ingests it. Everyone who participates in an Iboga ceremony is encouraged to make a list of questions to ask. One of the most important questions that I had for Iboga was “What is my purpose?”. It was such an important question for me that I think I would have done all of it just to answer this one question. The response came in the form of two microphones that landed in front of me. The first was a round, universal microphone and the second was an oblong one. I was so astonished that I didn’t respond right away. It took me a while to digest this. Thankfully, I had some time to consider all of it before my next Iboga experience. During my next experience I decided to ask “How do I use my voice to serve my purpose?”. The answer came with the same microphones. The first universal one landed in front of me accompanied by the word “Speak”. The second microphone landed as well accompanied by the word “Sing”.

It has taken me a while to officially speak as I had to make some huge life changes when I returned home from my Iboga experience. Since then, I have continued on my journey to discover more about these healing plants and about myself and the world around me. The journey so far has taken me to Costa Rica (initially to do Iboga), to Mexico to experience Peyote and then to Peru to experience Ayahuasca. It was confirmed in Peru that I am to use my voice to speak about these experiences and the dialogue that I had with Ayahuasca has not ended. It continues daily and although there are shifting identities of the spiritual presence I’m in contact with (sometimes Ayahuasca, other times Iboga and my ‘higher self’ among others), there has been a presence with me ever since that experience in Peru. During one of my ceremonies I was told “we will stay with you..” and it seems that “they” were true to their words.

It took me some time to adjust to the inner voice of this presence. My inner voice had not always been so wise and kind and loving. Initially, I was in a state of disbelief but I realized that disbelieving your own experience is far more psychologically unhealthy than trying to understand it. I had a lot of help with understanding it as this voice has guided me faithfully through all of my initial questioning and fears. I had always been a very questioning person. What I found most disarming about my initial foray into shamanic training. At the very beginning, I was told that it didn’t matter what I believed initially and this was true. It was the experience itself that was the important thing at the time. Ultimately, my beliefs began to change as a result of my experiences. Now I realize that it’s the deeper beliefs about myself that matter more than religious or spiritual beliefs. Spirituality has been a means to help me examine these personal beliefs and to change them for the better which has changed so many other things in my life in a positive and powerful way.

I continue to be guided in just about every aspect of my life and most days are full of lessons, instructions and unexpected twists and turns. This experience was initially so overwhelming that for the longest time, I wasn’t able to write but I made some recordings of many of the essential lessons I received and worked on the more important task of applying them in my life. The various healing tools that I used, such as plant medicines, are not for everyone. We are all unique in our needs and in terms of what is appropriate for each of us at each stage of our lives. One thing that is universal is the ability to tap into our inner source of wisdom or intuition to discover what we need as individuals. There are many ways to achieve this and I encourage everyone to find their own effective method of self-discovery. It is an extraordinary opportunity for healing and growth that is unique to each individual. You are the common denominator in every experience you have in this life and learning more about yourself can only help to change things for the better. As it turns out, it is, in fact, all about you.