Health – Rebecca Hayden

Ridicule & Shaming: Taking Us Further away from a Healthy, Civil Society

Ridicule and shaming are indicators of social disfunction in our society. How did we get here? How did we become a society of people who tolerate and participate in this kind of behaviour? My childhood was chalk full of shaming. It was a consistent aspect of the social atmosphere of both the Catholic school and church experience for me in my early years. Ridicule was also common in my social experience at home and at school from not only siblings and classmates but also teachers and other adults. It’s not surprising that children who are influenced in this way sometimes end up either considering it to be normal or behaving this way themselves, but this influence goes so much further back than that. This is a form of bullying and it’s an ancestral legacy that we perpetuate but we definitely have an opportunity to end it. If we choose to do so, it will take awareness, intention and conviction.

How do we form awareness, intention and conviction? We do so through discovering the harm these behaviours cause and the benefits that come from changing them. Part of seeing the harm is to understand how/when this began in our lives, under what circumstances, and how it impacted us. This helps us to get a glimpse of how it may be playing out in our lives today. Once we see this, we form a better understanding of these social dynamics, and with this also comes the innumerable possibilities that could be played out in these scenarios in the absence of this behaviour and its inevitable reactions/repercussions.

My son attended a school that had an excellent reputation and wonderful teachers, but when he began to experience bullying, somehow, things fell apart. In this school, like so many others, there were posters lining the walls that made statements indicating that the school does not tolerate bullying. There were also campaign days against this behaviour. On these days, the students were meant to wear certain coloured t-shirts to support this anti-bullying sentiment. Yet, when I called my son’s teacher about the bullying he was actually experiencing and suggested that we all get together and talk about it – with the kids and their parents – to try to understand what was happening and why, it was not something that was the done thing apparently. This surprised me. The teacher was honest about the reasons – related to her workload – and I know that teachers put in a lot of hours both at school and at home. However, it left me with the understanding that this was not going to be addressed. The teacher agreed to keep her eye out and I let my son know this but I knew that this was not a good message to send to him – after all – bullying like this rarely happens in the presence of a teacher, which is why it needs to be reported. What was my son learning through this experience? There was a complete contradiction between the message of the posters and his lived experience. Despite the posters and campaigns, the actual event itself was not considered important enough to make time to discuss and yet his grades were of great importance. Unfortunately, this is not an unusual experience in this world.

When I attended elementary school, bullying was common among both students and teachers, but if the bullying got really bad, teachers at times did bring the students involved ‘to the office’ to discuss it. There was almost always shaming involved in trying to resolve the matter. Both parents and teachers shamed the child who was doing the bullying to illicit an obligatory apology. This of course made the child who did the bullying (clearly in need of help) feel even worse and more likely to want to take it out on the child who had been bullied (or themselves – probably both). The child or children who had been bullied were further distressed by all of this and all children involved were learning that this is the way to address/resolve these issues. It was no solution and a clear indication of the social disfunction of the time. Today, in this example with my son, there wasn’t even a discussion, and this is at a time when we are apparently more socially aware of this kind of problem (bullying) than ever before.

The upshot of this is that, in these meetings of my childhood that were meant to resolve these issues, we really never got to the point where we undersood what was motivating the bullying. We didn’t get to that point, because there wasn’t an open and warm atmosphere within which to do this. Instead, there was more intimidation and bullying (shaming) which only perpetuates this behaviour. This happens in a subtle way, in adult circles as well (or not so subtle online). It’s an old inner reaction of defensiveness or learned behaviour that is sparked or ‘triggered’ by something we experience. Then we witness and participate in scenarios where many reactions are played out without ever getting to the root of the matter because we’re allowing these reactions to dominate the situation rather than leaving room for us to explore inner motivations and to express them outwardly. There are hostile social signals and cues that indicate it’s not safe to do so. Only the most determined and courageous individuals, under these circumstances, manage to tap into and express authentic responses in these situations. This is a powerful thing when it happens and I believe it’s what is changing this world today, little by little, but with immense impact. It has this impact because it changes the tone and possibilities of these situations immediately and that is a wonderful thing to witness and experience. What comes out of these experiences helps us all learn about ourselves and each other and can bring us closer. It gives us all a different kind of behaviour to model and inspires us to explore these possibilities moving forward.

Today we speak of mental health and wellness and I think it’s important to understand what it means to be well so that we may identify ill health, socially, in this regard. When we talk about mental health these days, thankfully, emotional health is often implied but why isn’t it openly stated and demonstrated? I think we’re really in our infancy in understanding what it truly means to be well and this definitely involves everyday behaviour and the way that society functions or disfunctions. I mean, it does function but does that function serve us well and create wellness? Is that what we mean by functioning well? If our body functions well, does that mean that we are well? Are we only bodies in this world?

Unfortunately, I think most systems, institutions and organizations have been set up based on this premise: that we are bodies and brains. It is only recently that emotional abuse has been acknowledged. Now that we acknowledge this, let’s try to understand and identify it in our midst. When someone is ridiculed, what is the motivation behind it? Is it habit? It’s more common than we realize and I think we can all understand and appreciate the reality of social habits. These are strong characteristics of the social dynamic. We become accustomed to the behaviour of those around us and adopt much of it; sometimes, without even being aware of it. This is how mindfulness, or awareness, can play a strong role in making positive social change.

If we took time before reacting in many situations and thought about it or examined our feelings, we probably wouldn’t behave as we sometimes do. When we ridicule others, we shut them down and aren’t creating space to understand or appreciate other people’s unique perspective or situation. We are narrowing our social understanding rather than expanding it. Not only is this a form of subtle bullying, which diminishes others, it also reduces the possibilities that may exist in expanding our own intellectual, emotional and social horizons. The more we expand in this way, in understanding or empathizing with others, the more compassion we have in general – for ourselves and for others. When we shut down others by ridiculing them, we create an understanding within ourselves that if we have an opinion or idea, that may be ridiculed by others, it’s not safe to explore it or express it. Imagine how many potentially important ideas get shut down in this way. This is not a progressive or beneficial atmosphere to exist in – inside or out. This is how we know that the way we behave towards others, impacts us as well.

Our current understanding of health and wellness is expanding to include an emotional state of wellbeing. We know that our emotional wellbeing profoundly effects our physical wellbeing. Look up the ACEs study to see the truth of this laid out in a compelling way. Adverse (harmful) early childhood events impact our health for life. That is, unless we actively begin to discover them, heal and change. How many of us, including teachers and leaders in our society, have had some kind of adverse early childhood event that is still unacknowledged and unhealed? Not only do these early experiences ultimately impact our health, in terms of the likelihood of us contracting certain kinds of health conditions in the long term, it also affects our behaviour, which in turn impacts others and makes up our social environment.

In our society, ridicule and shaming are not uncommon. Our daily political and social world is full of examples of ridicule and shaming which leads so many to follow suit without thinking. It has been normalized. If this is a common element of the social realm of those who lead society, what can we expect of society on the whole in terms of wellbeing? Is this what we want our children to model? We discourage children from bullying, and yet, if they witness us shaming or ridiculing others, we are sending the message that we can say that certain behaviour is unacceptable – bullying in it’s many forms – but it’s ok to continue to behave this way. This contradiction of professed values and behaviour, also becomes normalized. Perhaps it’s time to do the work of dismantling this for all of our sakes. It’s time to be courageous enough, to start to change this and it does take work. It also takes patience and compassion, for ourselves and others. Compassion, patience and openness are powerful tools to use to evolve.

Think of the many people in history who were initially ridiculed (and some imprisoned) for suggesting things like ‘the world is round’ or that the Earth revolves around the sun or the simple fact that for physicians and others, washing hands can save lives. Progress has been thwarted time and again due to the practice of ridiculing which fuelled the widespread rejection of these ideas for so much longer than they would have been if instead they were responded to with open curiosity or at the very least, tolerance. For the love of our children, for the love of ourselves, this world and to create a better atmosphere, inner and outer, let’s consider taking a more open and gentle approach to responding to one another and a more considered approach to evaluating our own reactions.

Ayahuasca Talks!

This is a talk I gave at the Centre for Social Innovation in Toronto on November 30th, 2016. This is the back up video and lighting challenges made it necessary to film in a close up fashion but hopefully, the message will outweigh the video quality. 😉

A huge thanks to Yvonne Erlichman for filming this talk and my unending thanks to the Temple of the Way of Light for not only providing some of the photos for this talk (of the vine itself and of the Shipibo Maestra/Shaman) but for the extraordinary time I spent there in the jungle where I first discovered Ayahuasca.

Movies, Healing and Emotional Detox

After returning from Peru in the spring of last year I underwent an unusual form of healing. It was a long and guided process that was tailor made for me and involved one of my favourite activities: watching movies. Initially upon my return from Peru I participated in what is called ‘The Presence Process’ as I had been guided to do in one of my Ayhuasca sessions but after that, the guidance continued and I have been continuing on in this guided way ever since. While in Peru, experiencing group Ayahuasca ceremonies, like many others, I was witness to some outpouring of emotion by various members in the group as part of their healing process. I was surprised to find that only one night in the entire two weeks did I find myself becoming emotional and it was fairly mild. After returning home and finding that I was being guided to do specific things to continue my unique healing process, I soon came to understand that there would be many opportunities for me to pour out my emotions.

One of the most consistent ways that I engage in this emotional healing is through film. It’s hard to tell at this point what I find more surprising, the guidance or the fact that watching films has become an act of healing for me. I think this pronounced internal guidance I’m receiving tops the list of surprising things hands down but it has become so much a part of everyday life for me that I begin to put it down to the regular internal dialogue that I’ve always had and that most people have. The difference is that my internal dialogue was never so wise, instructive, healthy or supportive. Shortly after completing the ‘presence process’ which was a revelation in itself, I was guided to watch certain movies. The first such instruction came to me while at home going about some regular tasks and the movie title would not leave my head. It was reinforced over and over. It was a film I didn’t really want to watch which helped me to accept that this was more than just some kind of preoccupation I was having. I watched the movie and found that I was very emotional during certain parts of it. It was not a normal experience. Of course I had been emotional during movies before but not on this scale and not in this way. During this movie there were parts that struck me in such a profound way and my response was immediate. Through these certain parts of the story, I was made to understand the message that was being communicated to me. There were both messages and lessons that formed an important part of my healing.

This form of healing continued and I was guided to watch other movies. Sometimes through a certain part of a film or during an entire film I was made to see certain parts of my behaviour that was not impressive to say the least. This is a common phenomenon when working with plant medicines so it was apparent to me that this medicine was still having an effect. This has been known to happen but everyone’s experience of it is different. There were also many other kinds of insight I received through this form of healing. I was made to see certain events in my life in ways that changed my perspective and gave me a better understanding of what I had experienced and how it had affected me. Other times I was given greater lessons about humanity. Some of these lessons we all know theoretically: the tragedy of how we hurt one another and how this is perpetuated generation after generation. We do this because we’re unaware of things we carry inside of us that cause harmful behaviour which is difficult for us to see from our own standpoint – unless we make a concerted effort to do so that is.

This lesson is one of the most important ones because it’s so universal. We hear it and it makes sense but somehow these lessons for me took on a whole new depth when watching these movies. It was something I had agreed to do for the purpose of healing and this is what took it beyond the usual movie watching experience. The movies became a tool or a vehicle to reach me and they did with tremendous impact. It’s really quite startling the difference between just passively watching a movie (as I had done so many times before) and being guided to watch one for the purpose of healing. I could watch the same movie an hour, a day or a week later and have no reaction at all. The agreement I made each time pertained to a specific movie to be watched with an intention of healing at a particular time in my life. This combination was what seemed to bring about this extraordinary experience.

The messages I receive in this way rarely have anything to do with the subject matter of the film. Sometimes the subject is used to convey certain concepts but mostly it’s the mystifying power of stories themselves that have been traditionally used to convey ideas, concepts and lessons for centuries. Sometimes an actual sentence will stand out in a way that I know it’s meant for me. It’s very clear and the messages are always full of wisdom, compassion and insight. It’s been such a fascinating experience and the best part is that after I commit to watching the film that has come up for me, I feel so much better afterwards. There is a distinct difference between this and having a good cry at a movie. With every tear, something within me changes and afterwards the feeling of release is unmistakable. This change happens on a deep level and I feel lighter. Through this process I’m often relieved of something that had been dogging me for a very long time – an emotional or psychological weight has been lifted. This is often in stark contrast to the way I feel beforehand.

I’ve come to refer to this process as emotional detox. I do this because the build up to the healing itself is a feeling of emotional toxification. The things inside of me that need to be healed rise within me and it feels awful. Sometimes I need to live with these uncomfortable feelings for what seems like a long period of time before they are relieved through this form of healing. The word uncomfortable is really too mild a word to describe what happens. Sometimes it’s almost unbearable. It varies of course like illness often does from mild to more severe. When it’s severe I pity the people I’m around and try to minimize the casualties in my midst through containment. I try to manage my reactions to things. This is something I agree to as well and it can be quite the challenge. Given how long I’ve been at it, the severity of the build-up has reduced significantly. I still don’t like the feeling of each build-up but I’m reminded of earlier days and know that it’s well worth the progress I’ve made. It seems that this healing happens in stages related to layers of pain that have been lingering deep inside for years. The timing of these healings is still a mystery to me among so many mysteries I will probably never understand.

Some movies I was guided to watch were very hard to get a hold of. They were movies from my childhood – obscure ‘70s movies – but the response once I watched them was so powerful. Other times it was obnoxious ‘80s movies I had no interest in seeing and I really had to muster up some faith to bring myself to watch them. This was especially true because of how miserable I was feeling working up to this point and yet my motivation to relieve these awful feelings always eclipsed my reluctance. No matter how consistently I was healed by this process I questioned it every time. I still do. It’s something I had to get used to. I often laugh about the tenacity of my doubt given the consistently positive results but after a lifetime of believing that this kind of thing is not possible, it’s difficult to shake the part of myself that still doubts. I’ve become accustomed to doubt now and allow it to flow through me without giving it too much energy.

It’s been and continues to be a remarkable experience. I’ve been asked to watch films where I can relate to every character in the film – even the nasty ones and ones I never could have imagined relating to before. It’s been enlightening, astonishing and liberating. It has released me from issues that had been clouding my judgement and holding me back in so many ways. It has alleviated maladies I didn’t even know I had and healed others that I felt were beyond anyone’s powers. It has strengthened my relationships with those closest to me, especially my young son, and has helped me to face things in my life in a more honest and direct way. This has been a result of not only this peculiar movie technique but the constant guidance I’ve received daily. It’s been an extraordinary experience that I doubt words can do justice to but I’m utterly compelled to try.

I’ve always been a questioning sort of person and continue to be although I don’t always get the answers I want. Sometimes I don’t get answers at all but what I get is far more important than that. I get positive change. That’s far more valuable than anything that answers can provide. These changes within me are worth embracing any notions I previously considered to be strange or impossible or flighty (the list goes on). The truth is that I’m not asked to believe anything really. I’m just asked to agree to do certain things to heal. One of the things that I know is part of my healing is to speak and it would be impossible for me not to speak about this inner guidance. I know it’s inside of all of us. It’s a phenomenon that has such possibilities to end suffering and to bring about peace. It has astounding potential and yet it is a very personal and unique experience for everyone. It can’t be bottled or marketed but it can be shared and people can be inspired to pursue their own experience of it in their own way and that’s what I hope to do.

Healing The World of Conflict: Inner & Outer

Some of the major issues in the world that loom large and seem ominous are larger and more extreme versions of the kinds of issues we face in every day situations in our own lives and more importantly, of issues we face or often don’t face within ourselves. One of the things that I have discovered on my path of healing is how much conflict there has been within me. It’s been the focus of most of the work I‘ve been guided to do on myself, and it’s been an incredibly insightful experience. Once I got past the ego driven resistance that didn’t want to acknowledge there’s anything ‘wrong’ with me, I was able to learn about the things I needed to change to help make my life experience richer, more peaceful and more fulfilling.

The truth is that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me. This notion of being ‘wrong’ was a misinterpretation. It was my response to the idea of recognizing the things within me that I needed to address. Even the worst parts of my behavior were and are just a reflection of internal conflict and addressing this internal conflict is an ongoing process. Orienting myself to this view has helped me a great deal. It has helped me to become more gentle with myself and to become less judgmental of others. The reason that many of us have a strongly negative reaction to this notion of being wrong is because we associate this wrong behavior with who we are but deep inside, we know that this wrong behavior is not who we are at all. In fact, it’s at odds with who we are and therein lies the conflict.

Working through internal conflict can be challenging but so consistently rewarding and with this work comes a change in perspective. A deeper understanding of our own inner world can lead to a better understanding of our outer world. It doesn’t take long to see parallels between internal conflicts and the conflicts that exist within close personal relationships. From there you can see how our immediate community and ultimately, the global community is a reflection of these same kinds of conflicts that exist within us all. It’s clear to me now that we’ll never be able to solve these greater world issues of conflict unless we can recognize and begin to address our own internal conflicts.

I think that this is part of what Jesus meant in the “throw the first stone” lesson. Billions of people have been profoundly moved by similar tenets in religions and belief systems worldwide for a reason. There’s a part of us that recognizes the truth of it. Underneath all of the conflict inside of us resides a source of wisdom – an intuition – that can be the guiding principal in our lives. This guiding principal contains the essence of who we really are. It is a unique aspect of our being that is often ignored to our detriment. By simply forming the intention of connecting with this wisdom, we acknowledge its existence and from there, the journey of healing ensues. If we allow ourselves to be guided by this internal wisdom we may begin to address internal conflict that reflects outwardly and in doing so, we take the most important step towards addressing conflict in this world.

Movies, Emotional Detox & A Glimpse into the Human Condition

After dropping off my son this morning, I was overcome by emotion. The emotion wasn’t really attached to anything – maybe a general desire and appreciation for community but really, it was just one of many episodes designed to release pent up emotions. This is not an unusual thing for me these days and it’s not an indicator that anything is wrong. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I began a path of healing two years ago to heal myself from a very deep depression that lasted for years. This path has taken all kinds of twists and turns and has become the greatest and most intensive education I could have ever imagined. I’ve learned a great deal about myself and the world and my particular role in the world through a connection that has been unfailingly wise, supportive and loving. Many people make this connection through meditation and I’m sure that each person’s experience of this is as unique as they are. My connection was created through a shamanic process I engaged in two years ago as part of my efforts to cure my depression. Little did I know back then that I would be embarking upon an extraordinary adventure that would lead me through astonishing experiences that continue to this day. I’m not sure what my reaction would have been if I did know this back then. At that time, I would have done just about anything to relieve my suffering but I can say that it would have surprised me to know that I would be involved in anything that was deemed to be spiritual.

I’m sure that I was hoping for a quick fix but any kind of fix would do for me at that time as I was in such pain. I now realize that healing is a life long journey and it’s really a matter of taking a lead role in the direction and quality of my life. One doesn’t have to be depressed to see the benefits of this but being depressed forced me to see it. I think that this is why some people who have recovered from addictions, depression or other serious illnesses find themselves feeling grateful. Like many of them, I know that I would never have embarked on this journey if I hadn’t found myself in such a deep state of despair.

I have used various healing tools on this journey and many of them were prescribed through this connection to a deep intuition or presence. I have been taken through a process of emotional detox that has been quite a long one. I have been guided toward certain media – movies and books – that evoke a specific emotional reaction within me and often teach me a lesson. Mostly these lessons are about experiences I’ve had in my life and how they have affected me. Sometimes through these stories (either a movie or a book) I am introduced to a situation that needs to be addressed or more often an experience I had that needed to be acknowledged for what it was and how it made me feel. I often respond with tears and as I shed the tears there is a sense of release, understanding and peace. Sometimes there is pain but almost always a pain that is being brought up to be released so it’s a relief really – like finding the knot so it can be massaged. In these cases it is a gnawing pain that’s deeply embedded and causes untold problems until it’s brought to the surface to be acknowledged and released.

This process is quite remarkable. It’s obviously been custom designed for me. The movies I’ve been guided to watch are mostly movies I’ve seen before (or at least knew about) and sometimes they are not necessarily ones I want to watch. Just about every time I have this strong intuition toward one of these movies I’m doubtful and think I must be imagining things. Doubt is a constant that I’ve just gotten used to and I don’t even bother anymore to swat it away like a fly as I used to. Now I just allow doubt to run like a necessary computer program doing regular maintenance. Having experienced such extraordinary things through this process so far, I’m motivated to move beyond the doubt enough to watch the movie and every single time I’m amazed at how new and profound the experience is. There’s always something that stands out in the film that didn’t when I watched it before and it resonates so deeply with me that it’s unmistakable what the personal message is. Sometimes I respond emotionally before I fully understand why but the understanding comes as the tears fall. I always feel much better afterwards. It’s not like a regular cry at all (although I suspect that’s healthy too). It’s actually an elevating feeling – like I’ve achieved a different way of being afterwards. Sometimes it’s more pronounced than others but it’s always there and it always changes me for the better.

Sometimes these stories provide me with lessons about humanity. There is the prevalent issue of the senseless conflict in this world. This is something that we’re all aware of on some level but this message reaches a whole new level when this kind of lesson is underway. It’s like waking up to something so ridiculously simple and knowing that we’re failing to see the reality and impact of it. There is another persistent yet unique theme about humanity that becomes clearer and clearer to me each day, which is that humanity itself is an ecosystem. Initially this concept helped me to address my questions and anxiety about so many things that I found to be disturbing in this world. It became apparent to me that although I didn’t agree with every philosophy, system or approach to life, they all have their purpose – even those that may seem dark and destructive. I am often reminded of my depression which I saw no sense in at the time. This idea of humanity as an ecosystem gave me a great sense of peace. It’s a concept that I will expand upon more completely in my writing and in my book but it will also be an idea that I will continue to explore and engage with in responding to the world around me. It helps me respond more peacefully to the world and to expend my energies in a more appropriate and healthy way. This issue of the appropriate expenditure of energy is a lesson in and of itself that is continually reinforced and it’s worth sharing but I’ll leave that for another day when my energy reserves have been sufficiently replenished!

Credibility: Belief & Trust

To address the issue of credibility, in relation to the experiences I’ve been having and writing about, I decided to look up the definition of the word. It was quite a revelation as it often is when you pursue this kind of inquiry. There is a sense of chasing your tail. One word leads to another, which leads back to the first. Credibility definitions all have to do with belief and trust. As usual there are synonyms and examples of the use of the word and you inevitably come across other words and themes like reality and truth. Looking into the definitions of these related words is a very similar experience and I recommend that everyone do this but just in case you don’t think you’ll find the time, I have printed my findings at the bottom of this post.

Looking at the origins of words is often more intriguing than looking up the definition and it can provide more insight. I looked up the origins (etymology) of similar words: credible, credentials, credence. Eventually it led to the word Credo literally meaning “I believe”. I think the most important aspect of this exercise is that it shows that what we believe is what is considered to be credible. It reflected back to me the same kind of theme that repeats itself often on this journey of healing: when I look outside of myself to discover anything it always circles back to me in the end.

There are other interesting discoveries to be made in definitions for related words. Within the definition of the word ‘reality’ I found this most revealing statement that is meant to illustrate the meaning of this word:

a thing that is actually experienced or seen, especially when this is grim or problematic.

It’s interesting to consider the fact that we find something more credible – more reality based – if it is negative. I think we have all experienced the word reality more often than not being used in relation to something grim or unpleasant which is always contrasted by the idea of fantasy. This leads me back to why I made this inquiry in the first place. The word incredible is often used as an overwhelmingly positive description of something. It’s usually understood that whatever is being described as ‘incredible’ is actually witnessed or experienced. All of this would seem to indicate that what we experience as overwhelmingly positive, we find hard to believe. What does this say about our collective state of mind? At the very least, I think it can be changed for the better and I believe that this change is already underway with the growing interest in meditation, intention and consciousness. Areas of thinking that have been conventionally perceived as separate and opposed (science and spirituality) are now coming together to form beliefs (credibility – reality) that represent great progress and promise for humanity.

End Note: If you look at the definitions below, when you come across the part of the definition for the word ‘reality’ that states: “existence that is.. not subject to human decisions or inventions”, I hope you either have a good chuckle as I did or consider the various versions of reality we are exposed to daily on a social level (people’s opinions/beliefs) or look into the concept of quantum reality that continues to be a point of contention as many scientists remain committed to their own beliefs surrounding this revelation rather than continue to explore these phenomenal possibilities that might upset everything we’ve understood about reality to date. I think this is a good example of the spiritual and scientific community coming together, even though not all scientists are ready to consider the idea of our impact (observer’s effect) on reality to be ‘credible’.

End Note II: If you want a further chuckle, look up the definition of ‘reality’ yourself and see all of the references to ‘reality TV’.

Credibility/Credible

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/credible

: able to be believed : reasonable to trust or believe

: good enough to be effective

Full Definition of CREDIBLE

: offering reasonable grounds for being believed <a credible account of an accident> <credible witnesses>

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/credibility

The quality of being trusted and believed in: the government’s loss of credibility

Origin

Mid 16th century: from medieval Latin credibilitas, from Latin credibilis (see credible).

Late Middle English: from Latin credibilis, from credere ‘believe’.

Etymology

Credible:

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=credible

credible (adj.)

“believable,” late 14c., from Latin credibilis “worthy to be believed,” from credere (see credo). Related: Credibly.

Credentials

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=credentials

credentials (n.)

“letters entitling the bearer to certain credit or confidence,” 1670s, from Medieval Latin credentialis, from credentia (see credence). Probably immediately as a shortening of letters credential (1520s, with French word order); earlier was letter of credence (mid-14c.).

Credence

credence (n.)

mid-14c., from Medieval Latin credentia “belief,” from Latin credentum (nominative credens), past participle of credere “believe, trust” (see credo).

Credo

credo (n.)

late 12c., from Latin, literally “I believe,” first word of the Apostles’ and Nicene Creeds, first person singular present indicative of credere “to believe,” from PIE compound *kerd-dhe- “to believe,” literally “to put one’s heart” (cognates: Old Irish cretim, Irish creidim, Welsh credu “I believe,” Sanskrit śrad-dhā- “faith”), from PIE root *kerd- (1) “heart” (see heart (n.)). The nativized form is creed. General sense of “formula or statement of belief” is from 1580s.

When you look up the word ‘Truth’ you find many references to ‘Reality’:

that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

This led me to examine the word ‘Reality’

re·al·i·ty

noun: reality

the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

“he refuses to face reality”

synonyms:	the real world, real life, actuality; More truth; physical existence” distinguishing fantasy from reality”
antonyms:	fantasy

a thing that is actually experienced or seen, especially when this is grim or problematic.

the state or quality of having existence or substance.

Philosophy

existence that is absolute, self-sufficient, or objective, and not subject to human decisions or conventions.

Origin

late 15th century: via French from medieval Latin realitas, from late Latin realis ‘relating to things’ (see real¹).

My conclusion about reality? It’s all relative…

Exposing the Bully Within

I just returned from a trip to England with my young son and during this trip I became more acquainted with the bully within. I first encountered this concept of the bully through a dream that illuminated the fact that my writing was suffering due to internal interference. In this scenario, I was both the bully and the victim. The guidance I continue to receive on this and many other issues is a result of my involvement in shamanism and plant medicines for the purpose of healing and growth. During this recent trip to England it became clear to me that this bully inside of me interferes in every aspect of my life if I allow it to and I have done so because I’ve been unaware of it. Thoughts arise in my mind and are often immediately responded to by the bully sometimes in the form of ongoing harmful chatter. This affects the way I feel about myself and about everyone and everything around me. It also affects how I make decisions both big and small. I have identified it as the voice inside that asserts itself as soon as I come up with a thought or an idea – going to a store to pick up something I need, redecorating a room in a way that I have wanted to for so long, embarking on a project that intrigues me or even as I begin to imagine myself in some pleasant circumstances. Usually the reason I have put off some project is because the bully comes up with an endless list of reasons why it won’t work out or why it’s a bad idea. Sometimes this is expressed in arguments or images and other times it’s a pressure – the kind of uncomfortable pressure you might feel when you’re being scrutinized. What follows is a discouraging heaviness. Sometimes I avoid the heaviness by moving on but of course the ideas and bullying tactics simply resurface.

This situation has created a harsh atmosphere within my mind that has affected my daily experience for a very long time now. It’s been exhausting. I believe that this is what ultimately led to a deep depression that lasted for years. It was just over a year ago that I began to fully emerge from this depression although it’s been a long and involved process that became the path that I am still on today. This discovery of the bully within has had a tremendous impact on me. It was a deep knowing that I’ve experienced before when receiving these spiritually communicated insights. It occurred when I was wandering the streets of London with my son. We were venturing out to explore the area around the place where we were staying. I was excited and daunted at the same time. It was the first time that I traveled overseas alone with my young son (6 years old). We were looking for a café and some shops and as the feelings of excitement became eclipsed by the daunting feelings, there was a pause and then it was made clear to me what was happening. My inner guiding voice made me aware of the fact that the bully had taken over and that this was a common occurrence in my life.

The truth of it descended upon me and began to permeate my mind and body. It was a physical, spiritual and intellectual event. I didn’t need to rationalize it – I knew it to be true instantly. This knowing is superior to rationalization. Rationalizing is bully territory. It gives the bully an opportunity to legitimize all of its assertions and tear down the notion of its existence. Instead of rationalizing, what usually follows these revelations is processing – allowing all of the pieces to fall into place in my mind and they often do with startling effect. It’s the kind of experience that inspired exclamations like “Eureka!” or in modern times “Aha!”. As this revelation occurred, the bully subsided and I continued to walk the beautiful streets of London, marveling at both the outer and inner events of my life. I was enjoying exploring London with my son and moving through this revelation that I knew would change my life for the better although not without some work.

During this trip to England, some stressful situations arose and that is when the bully began to encroach upon my thoughts again. My son became ill and there were times that I began to question everything. It was at times like this that I was most vulnerable to the bully. Instead, I was guided: “don’t enter the victim state”. It was true that I was on the verge of tears and that my capacity to navigate this situation was being compromised by this pull towards the victim stance. I was tired and confused. I even began to write about it while my son was playing loudly with some toys in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic in Weymouth. I didn’t have long to write or to do anything but attend to my son and try to address his needs in this unfamiliar environment. My son was up throughout the night with a high fever and I used damp cloths to cool his head and read to him. We watched bad late night television until he finally fell asleep just before dawn. The next day we prepared to travel again and I wondered if he would be well enough to get on the train. As he lay on the bed my son looked up at me and said “we’re really having an adventure now aren’t we!” I smiled at his attitude after such a night and the wisdom of his statement stayed with me as I realized that challenges are pretty much an essential part of any genuine adventure.

The adventure continued as later that day I saw that my son’s eyes were becoming disturbingly red – beyond bloodshot. I knew that as soon as we got off the train and arrived in the next town, I would have to find another doctor. I heeded the guided warning each time it was given but it was a struggle. I’m so thankful that it was repeated many times as I was made to see that things would have been made so much more difficult for me (and my son for that matter) if I gave into the familiar victim state. I’ve been learning about how the external world responds to or is a reflection of our internal state and that this is why inner work is the most important work of all. Not only is this notion of reality shared by some pioneers (both new and old) in the world of quantum physics and science, it was also revealed to me in an Ayahuasca session during which my curiosity about the matter was responded to with “your reality is a result of your state”. All of the work I’ve been guided to do since then has been about improving my state. Now that I’m home safe and sound with my son who is feeling better, it’s time to address the issue of the bully within. I have to try to become more aware of this bullying in action so as to expose it and in doing so, render it powerless over me.

It has been revealed to me that this bully entity within is a composite of many negative and judgmental voices and influences that I have heard and experienced throughout my life. This is quite an extensive collection of opinions, assertions and attitudes and it will take a huge effort to oust this internal influence but I know that it’s something I must do if I am to move forward. I have been so used to tuning into spiritual guidance over the last few months that it’s almost as though this bully snuck up on me. However, now that I’m becoming more familiar with the rhythm of this healing path, it makes sense that this bully is being revealed to me prominently now so that I may address it. The voice of the bully must be heard so that I can recognize it, acknowledge the role it has played in my life and officially say goodbye to it.

Recognizing the voice of the bully within is no small task I can assure you. Often it’s like there’s a low volume radio program on inside my head and although I’m not aware of listening, the content is registering. It feels as much a part of me sometimes as breathing but I know now that it’s not a part of me at all but it’s a part of my experience and thankfully, I have a spiritual ally that will help me change this. After all, I wouldn’t even be aware of it without the help of this guidance. It’s an inner guidance that comes from an authentic place that cannot tolerate the bully. I think this bully within is the root of many issues in my life so this is an opportunity for extensive growth. In a shamanic workshop over a year ago I asked for help to silence the harmful voices within. I think that so much of the work I’ve done since then has led me here to this point of addressing the bully within. There were steps I needed to take to get here and the path continues to take twists and turns with peaks and valleys but ever upward. Sometimes the upward climb can be a strain, but it’s always rewarding.

I have been constantly given tools to negotiate this path and I can’t imagine life without them now. Some of these tools are available to anyone (the presence process, plant medicines etc.) but not necessarily appropriate for everyone and some of the tools are customized for me. I’m often given phrases, intentions and concepts that help me understand and address various issues in my life as they arise. Once I became committed to this path, the guidance was more pronounced and accessible to me and has become a way of life for me now. I’m ever grateful for this guidance I’m receiving and it’s this guiding voice that urges me to share these experiences as much as possible. The very act of sharing these experiences is healing for me and it has been very clearly indicated to me that this is my purpose. I feel the truth of this every time I share my experiences.

Waking up. the shamanic Path of Self Discovery & Spiritual Growth

Waking up is different now. I used to try to clear my head when I was waking up. I tried to orient myself to the day ahead and to the physical world around me. Now I do just the opposite. I try to hang onto that twilight state as long as possible and glean what I can from the dream world I haven’t quite left behind me. It is in this twilight state that I am often able to connect more fully with a form of wisdom that is not normally accessible in our world. This is now the guiding wisdom in my life and I am committed to following it as faithfully as possible. Following conventional wisdom only led me into despair so there is no turning back for me now.

Just over 7 years ago I began to emerge from a very deep depression that I had endured for 4 years of my life. The word depression doesn’t really convey the kind of experience you have when it takes you over. During that time it was a torment to be alive and in the end, after pursuing as many of the mainstream solutions as I could stand (most made things far worse for me), I was ready to do just about anything to relieve my suffering. I then discovered an unusual form of ‘energy healing’. I found it remarkable that energy could flow through me and move my body in a way that began to heal me without interference from my mind. I felt a change in me and had to know more about energy healing and where it originated. I bought a book on the subject and it became apparent that energy healing had its roots in shamanism.

I began to look for ways to learn more about shamanism and discovered an opportunity that was perfect for me. It was a workshop that was an introduction to this mysterious world of knowledge and I was somehow confident that it would make a big difference in my life despite the fact that I knew so little about it. It seems to me now looking back that it must have been at that point that my intuition had finally kicked in. Either that or I wisely began to follow it instead of ignoring it in favour of other people’s opinions of what was best for me or what I needed. Shamanism was a mystery to me but the word was familiar so I knew that I must have heard something about it before. Since then I recalled that years before while taking a 3rd year university course called Philosophy of Psychology, I had read material that included a story about a psychologist who went into an indigenous community with the intention of exposing the shaman as a charlatan. Instead the psychologist was won over by the experience. I hadn’t recalled this until recently so when I entered this workshop, I really had nothing to go on but my experience of energy healing and my conviction that this was where I needed to be.

I went into this experience with an openness that was fueled by my desire to heal. All of my previously held ideas and judgements about spirituality fell by the wayside like so many other preconceived notions that had been lost while I sank deeper into depression. I had been deconstructed in a way by depression and that would ultimately become an important aspect of my recovery. The workshop provided all participants with various methods used to connect with ‘spirits’ but the main one was to ‘journey’ into the spirit world. This was achieved by laying blindfolded and listening to what they called sonic drumming which was a monotonous drum beat intended to bring the participants into an altered state of consciousness. I had never been able to meditate so this experience was a frustrating one for me initially. I tried all of the techniques that were recommended and wasn’t able to experience what everyone else did in each session. Many people described entering a beautiful and magical place and interacting with spirits in various forms. Hearing these stories made me feel more frustrated than ever. Finally, when it came time to use these journeying sessions to perform a task for other participants, I simply had to tell our instructor that I was unable to do so. He agreed to journey on my behalf and perform this task for me. The task was to connect me with my ‘helping spirit’. Once this task was completed, with very little effort on my part, I was told what form the spirit took – an animal – and was given one more opportunity to ‘journey’. This time, I had visions while my eyes were closed, and they were relevant to the concerns I had in my life at that time. The visions were very short lived and later, I was tempted to believe that I had imagined it all. Writing this now, I remember a friend who had previously told me that she had visions. I remember thinking “why does she do this?” “for attention maybe?”. I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t consider for a moment that she really did have these visions. It was outside of my experience, so I dismissed it out of hand looking for other reasons why she might tell such a story. I’m now becoming well acquainted with the concept of a cosmic joke. There are often valuable lessons to be had in these cosmic jokes and if we can learn to fully appreciate this we can benefit from these ‘jokes’ immensely.

I didn’t really know what to make of the whole shamanic experience afterwards. All I wanted was to feel better and after the workshop was over, I did. I was able to visit my father in hospital where he had resided for 6 months in extended care after an accident that caused him a severe brain injury. I wasn’t able to do this before. In fact, I wasn’t able to do much of anything really so this was a huge step forward. It was just one step on a long road but at last I felt like progress was possible and that things could really change for me. I began to test out my ability to communicate with this ‘spirit’. I did so by asking questions of it before I went to sleep. I began to have visions sometimes that responded to these questions while I was in that twilight state just before sleep (and sometimes afterwards). I didn’t really consider the fact that I was about to enter an altered state of consciousness when going to sleep. I did this before sleep initially because it was sort of like a prayer and that was my only frame of reference to spirituality whatsoever. It was a surprise to me that I found myself involved in anything spiritual given my previous negative experiences associated with religion but I had been suffering so deeply that I was willing to do anything to relieve it.

It took me quite a while to realize that there may have been a purpose to the suffering after all. I know that I wouldn’t have pursued any of this if I hadn’t been so desperate to relieve my suffering. I have little doubt now that I was meant to have these experiences but unfortunately a little goes a long way. While working on my doubt I continue to have extraordinary experiences. I often call them “incredible” and then I think on the meaning of that word. Things we find overwhelmingly positive we often refer to as ‘incredible’ and things we find to be negative, we often refer to as ‘reality’. Our language itself seems to be skewed in favor of legitimizing the negative over the positive. Up until now, I was mostly focused on getting better and that’s all that mattered. It’s still really all that matters but when conveying this experience to others, the issue of credibility does come up although it’s rarely addressed head on. I think it will be an interesting experience to explore what we consider to be credible and how we measure credibility. My way of exploring is through discovering the meaning. Others explore scientifically. There are many ways to explore and I believe that we all have our own ways and means and this is a reflection of how beautifully unique we all are. Given the experiences I’ve had, I believe that our uniqueness has value and that there is great potential for harmony among all of these unique avenues of inquiry and exploration.

The questions I put to this spiritual presence initially were all related to physical and emotional issues that I was suffering from at the time. I often got answers in the form of words or images. Sometimes I wouldn’t get words or images but would soon stumble across a remedy or opportunity of one sort or another and eventually I realized that this was in fact the answer or response to my question. One of those answers was Iboga. It is an entheogen, or plant medicine as they are often called. Sometimes they are also called visionary or teacher plants. All good names I think. Iboga is in fact a tree and it’s the bark of this tree that is ingested in the shamanic ceremony. When you ingest it, your state of consciousness is altered and you are able to ask questions of the spirit that inhabits the plant or in this case, tree. When experiencing Iboga you often have visions that make you an observer of your own life experience. These visions are often designed to allow the observers to see certain behaviours that do not serve them. I had these kinds of visions and they had an enduring impact on me. If I was in my regular state of mind at the time of having them, it would have been a painful experience (the images were not flattering) but I wasn’t and the normal reaction was suspended long enough to allow me to see and fully realize the truth of these images. It’s not an easy thing but very powerful. There are many other experiences to be had with Iboga and there is the potential to answer a vast range of questions not only about oneself but about the world, the universe and everything as they say.

Every experience with Iboga is unique to the individual who ingests it. Everyone who participates in an Iboga ceremony is encouraged to make a list of questions to ask. One of the most important questions that I had for Iboga was “What is my purpose?”. It was such an important question for me that I think I would have done all of it just to answer this one question. The response came in the form of two microphones that landed in front of me. The first was a round, universal microphone and the second was an oblong one. I was so astonished that I didn’t respond right away. It took me a while to digest this. Thankfully, I had some time to consider all of it before my next Iboga experience. During my next experience I decided to ask “How do I use my voice to serve my purpose?”. The answer came with the same microphones. The first universal one landed in front of me accompanied by the word “Speak”. The second microphone landed as well accompanied by the word “Sing”.

It has taken me a while to officially speak as I had to make some huge life changes when I returned home from my Iboga experience. Since then, I have continued on my journey to discover more about these healing plants and about myself and the world around me. The journey so far has taken me to Costa Rica (initially to do Iboga), to Mexico to experience Peyote and then to Peru to experience Ayahuasca. It was confirmed in Peru that I am to use my voice to speak about these experiences and the dialogue that I had with Ayahuasca has not ended. It continues daily and although there are shifting identities of the spiritual presence I’m in contact with (sometimes Ayahuasca, other times Iboga and my ‘higher self’ among others), there has been a presence with me ever since that experience in Peru. During one of my ceremonies I was told “we will stay with you..” and it seems that “they” were true to their words.

It took me some time to adjust to the inner voice of this presence. My inner voice had not always been so wise and kind and loving. Initially, I was in a state of disbelief but I realized that disbelieving your own experience is far more psychologically unhealthy than trying to understand it. I had a lot of help with understanding it as this voice has guided me faithfully through all of my initial questioning and fears. I had always been a very questioning person. What I found most disarming about my initial foray into shamanic training. At the very beginning, I was told that it didn’t matter what I believed initially and this was true. It was the experience itself that was the important thing at the time. Ultimately, my beliefs began to change as a result of my experiences. Now I realize that it’s the deeper beliefs about myself that matter more than religious or spiritual beliefs. Spirituality has been a means to help me examine these personal beliefs and to change them for the better which has changed so many other things in my life in a positive and powerful way.

I continue to be guided in just about every aspect of my life and most days are full of lessons, instructions and unexpected twists and turns. This experience was initially so overwhelming that for the longest time, I wasn’t able to write but I made some recordings of many of the essential lessons I received and worked on the more important task of applying them in my life. The various healing tools that I used, such as plant medicines, are not for everyone. We are all unique in our needs and in terms of what is appropriate for each of us at each stage of our lives. One thing that is universal is the ability to tap into our inner source of wisdom or intuition to discover what we need as individuals. There are many ways to achieve this and I encourage everyone to find their own effective method of self-discovery. It is an extraordinary opportunity for healing and growth that is unique to each individual. You are the common denominator in every experience you have in this life and learning more about yourself can only help to change things for the better. As it turns out, it is, in fact, all about you.

Sidebar