Tag: Psychology

Ridicule & Shaming: Taking Us Further away from a Healthy, Civil Society

Ridicule and shaming are indicators of social disfunction in our society. How did we get here? How did we become a society of people who tolerate and participate in this kind of behaviour? My childhood was chalk full of shaming. It was a consistent aspect of the social atmosphere of both the Catholic school and church experience for me in my early years. Ridicule was also common in my social experience at home and at school from not only siblings and classmates but also teachers and other adults. It’s not surprising that children who are influenced in this way sometimes end up either considering it to be normal or behaving this way themselves, but this influence goes so much further back than that. This is a form of bullying and it’s an ancestral legacy that we perpetuate but we definitely have an opportunity to end it.  If we choose to do so, it will take awareness, intention and conviction.

How do we form awareness, intention and conviction? We do so through discovering the harm these behaviours cause and the benefits that come from changing them. Part of seeing the harm is to understand how/when this began in our lives, under what circumstances, and how it impacted us. This helps us to get a glimpse of how it may be playing out in our lives today. Once we see this, we form a better understanding of these social dynamics, and with this also comes the innumerable possibilities that could be played out in these scenarios in the absence of this behaviour and its inevitable reactions/repercussions.

My son attended a school that had an excellent reputation and wonderful teachers, but when he began to experience bullying, somehow, things fell apart. In this school, like so many others, there were posters lining the walls that made statements indicating that the school does not tolerate bullying. There were also campaign days against this behaviour. On these days, the students were meant to wear certain coloured t-shirts to support this anti-bullying sentiment. Yet, when I called my son’s teacher about the bullying he was actually experiencing and suggested that we all get together and talk about it – with the kids and their parents – to try to understand what was happening and why, it was not something that was the done thing apparently. This surprised me. The teacher was honest about the reasons – related to her workload – and I know that teachers put in a lot of hours both at school and at home. However, it left me with the understanding that this was not going to be addressed. The teacher agreed to keep her eye out and I let my son know this but I knew that this was not a good message to send to him – after all – bullying like this rarely happens in the presence of a teacher, which is why it needs to be reported. What was my son learning through this experience? There was a complete contradiction between the message of the posters and his lived experience. Despite the posters and campaigns, the actual event itself was not considered important enough to make time to discuss and yet his grades were of great importance. Unfortunately, this is not an unusual experience in this world.

When I attended elementary school, bullying was common among both students and teachers, but if the bullying got really bad, teachers at times did bring the students involved ‘to the office’ to discuss it. There was almost always shaming involved in trying to resolve the matter. Both parents and teachers shamed the child who was doing the bullying to illicit an obligatory apology.  This of course made the child who did the bullying (clearly in need of help) feel even worse and more likely to want to take it out on the child who had been bullied (or themselves – probably both). The child or children who had been bullied were further distressed by all of this and all children involved were learning that this is the way to address/resolve these issues. It was no solution and a clear indication of the social disfunction of the time. Today, in this example with my son, there wasn’t even a discussion, and this is at a time when we are apparently more socially aware of this kind of problem (bullying) than ever before.

The upshot of this is that, in these meetings of my childhood that were meant to resolve these issues, we really never got to the point where we undersood what was motivating the bullying. We didn’t get to that point, because there wasn’t an open and warm atmosphere within which to do this. Instead, there was more intimidation and bullying (shaming) which only perpetuates this behaviour.  This happens in a subtle way, in adult circles as well (or not so subtle online). It’s an old inner reaction of defensiveness or learned behaviour that is sparked or ‘triggered’ by something we experience. Then we witness and participate in scenarios where many reactions are played out without ever getting to the root of the matter because we’re allowing these reactions to dominate the situation rather than leaving room for us to explore inner motivations and to express them outwardly. There are hostile social signals and cues that indicate it’s not safe to do so. Only the most determined and courageous individuals, under these circumstances, manage to tap into and express authentic responses in these situations. This is a powerful thing when it happens and I believe it’s what is changing this world today, little by little, but with immense impact. It has this impact because it changes the tone and possibilities of these situations immediately and that is a wonderful thing to witness and experience. What comes out of these experiences helps us all learn about ourselves and each other and can bring us closer. It gives us all a different kind of behaviour to model and inspires us to explore these possibilities moving forward.

Today we speak of mental health and wellness and I think it’s important to understand what it means to be well so that we may identify ill health, socially, in this regard. When we talk about mental health these days, thankfully, emotional health is often implied but why isn’t it openly stated and demonstrated? I think we’re really in our infancy in understanding what it truly means to be well and this definitely involves everyday behaviour and the way that society functions or disfunctions. I mean, it does function but does that function serve us well and create wellness? Is that what we mean by functioning well? If our body functions well, does that mean that we are well? Are we only bodies in this world?

Unfortunately, I think most systems, institutions and organizations have been set up based on this premise: that we are bodies and brains. It is only recently that emotional abuse has been acknowledged. Now that we acknowledge this, let’s try to understand and identify it in our midst. When someone is ridiculed, what is the motivation behind it? Is it habit? It’s more common than we realize and I think we can all understand and appreciate the reality of social habits. These are strong characteristics of the social dynamic. We become accustomed to the behaviour of those around us and adopt much of it; sometimes, without even being aware of it. This is how mindfulness, or awareness, can play a strong role in making positive social change.

If we took time before reacting in many situations and thought about it or examined our feelings, we probably wouldn’t behave as we sometimes do. When we ridicule others, we shut them down and aren’t creating space to understand or appreciate other people’s unique perspective or situation. We are narrowing our social understanding rather than expanding it. Not only is this a form of subtle bullying, which diminishes others, it also reduces the possibilities that may exist in expanding our own intellectual, emotional and social horizons. The more we expand in this way, in understanding or empathizing with others, the more compassion we have in general – for ourselves and for others. When we shut down others by ridiculing them, we create an understanding within ourselves that if we have an opinion or idea, that may be ridiculed by others, it’s not safe to explore it or express it. Imagine how many potentially important ideas get shut down in this way. This is not a progressive or beneficial atmosphere to exist in – inside or out. This is how we know that the way we behave towards others, impacts us as well.

Our current understanding of health and wellness is expanding to include an emotional state of wellbeing. We know that our emotional wellbeing profoundly effects our physical wellbeing. Look up the ACEs study to see the truth of this laid out in a compelling way. Adverse (harmful) early childhood events impact our health for life. That is, unless we actively begin to discover them, heal and change. How many of us, including teachers and leaders in our society, have had some kind of adverse early childhood event that is still unacknowledged and unhealed? Not only do these early experiences ultimately impact our health, in terms of the likelihood of us contracting certain kinds of health conditions in the long term, it also affects our behaviour, which in turn impacts others and makes up our social environment.

In our society, ridicule and shaming are not uncommon.  Our daily political and social world is full of examples of ridicule and shaming which leads so many to follow suit without thinking. It has been normalized. If this is a common element of the social realm of those who lead society, what can we expect of society on the whole in terms of wellbeing? Is this what we want our children to model? We discourage children from bullying, and yet, if they witness us shaming or ridiculing others, we are sending the message that we can say that certain behaviour is unacceptable – bullying in it’s many forms – but it’s ok to continue to behave this way. This contradiction of professed values and behaviour, also becomes normalized. Perhaps it’s time to do the work of dismantling this for all of our sakes. It’s time to be courageous enough, to start to change this and it does take work. It also takes patience and compassion, for ourselves and others. Compassion, patience and openness are powerful tools to use to evolve.

Think of the many people in history who were initially ridiculed (and some imprisoned) for suggesting things like ‘the world is round’ or that the Earth revolves around the sun or the simple fact that for physicians and others, washing hands can save lives. Progress has been thwarted time and again due to the practice of ridiculing which fuelled the widespread rejection of these ideas for so much longer than they would have been if instead they were responded to with open curiosity or at the very least, tolerance. For the love of our children, for the love of ourselves, this world and to create a better atmosphere, inner and outer, let’s consider taking a more open and gentle approach to responding to one another and a more considered approach to evaluating our own reactions.

Moving from Punishment to Compassion

Throughout my long journey of healing from depression, I have been learning about the things I need to change within myself. It’s been a challenging, immeasurably rewarding and highly educational experience. It has been a process that has taught me more about myself and about humanity than I could have learned in any other way. I have always been drawn to and moved by Philosophy (the love of wisdom) so this process is feeding a very deep need in me and I’m always wanting to learn more. I know without a doubt that this is where I was meant to be, on this path of learning, and it took depression to ultimately lead me here.

One of the reasons why it’s so challenging to learn about the things that I need to change is that I, like many others, have to contend with an inner (and sometimes outer) kneejerk defensive reaction that wants to protect myself from any kind of accusation of wrong doing. If something needs to change, there needs to be an understanding of what that is and why it needs to change. This is often where the defense mechanism kicks in and this defensive reaction has everything to do with having been immersed in a punishment oriented world for so long – one that breeds this defensiveness in so many of us. The defense is a means of avoiding punishment (a sort of survival instinct). Whether it’s physical, disciplinary punishment (my parents were big softies when it came to this actually) or more of a constant series of responses that indicate how underserving a person is who has ‘done wrong’, it’s a pattern underlying typical social behaviour in our world beginning from early childhood. It is both formal in some instances (reprimands/discipline of children or legal action/jail for adults) and informal in others (social shaming, exclusion and an endless nuanced form of passive aggression). It’s a pervasive pattern that becomes internalized. The continued internal self-punishment and admonishment supports the ongoing external version – that which we apply to others – often in the form of judgement.

On a personal level, when you disparage someone else in your own mind for doing something that is considered to be wrong, you are reinforcing that tendency to punish. This strengthens the punishment reaction so that it becomes alive and well in the mind. Unfortunately, this inner tendency towards punishment is most often directed at yourself because you are the person you live with 24hrs a day. This is really what’s behind the old standing piece of wisdom: ‘When you hurt others, you’re only hurting yourself’. As it turns out, this has merit.

Punishment is a deterrent to personal growth and most importantly to unconditional self-love, which is an imperative for well-being. Because of the anticipation of punishment, defensiveness is justified as ‘self-protection’. This act of self-protection can be mistaken for an act of self-love. It is not. The defense itself is actually based on a false assumption that we can only be loved or be worthy of love if/when we don’t ‘do wrong’ or that if we ‘do wrong things’, we’re not entitled to or deserving of love – even if temporarily. It’s such an old, familiar and damaging paradigm and tearing this down can be extremely liberating. It can be both a beginning and an end: the beginning of compassion and an end to suffering.

It has been a mandatory part of my healing and growth to exercise compassion with myself and with others. Compassion is something that I have learned to nurture within. At times it’s utterly inspired and I am at peace. At others, it takes a supreme effort and I have to remind myself of the wisdom of this approach and of its constant rewards. The rewards of compassion are very clear. If I create an atmosphere in my mind of compassion, I give myself more opportunities to grow and change for the better. In an atmosphere of compassion, I have every incentive to do this because I’m no longer wasting energy defending myself and living in fear of punishment. If I’m treating myself and others with compassion and benefiting from it, I am cultivating an atmosphere of compassion all around me. This is the real revolution. Moving away from punishment and towards compassion is a revolutionary act. In fact, it might be more appropriate to term it an evolutionary act. I believe that we are growing out of this punishment phase of humanity.

Despite popular belief, punishment doesn’t work – not even formally. There have been numerous studies to support this fact and overwhelming evidence. Incarceration and corporal punishment have not reduced crime. In fact crime has only increased steadily and incarceration facilities are growing. Punishment is not effective in bringing about positive change because it only motivates people to avoid punishment rather than to consider for themselves why deep personal change might be necessary and how it might benefit them.

My path of intentional, personal growth began with Shamanism, an ancient practice of healing which for me has involved using many tools & medicines including Ayahuasca and always guided by a higher form of consciousness. There are many ways to access a higher form of consciousness. Some do this through meditation. For me, Shamanism has involved a form of meditation that we call journeying. Whatever name we put on it, this experience can be very liberating. I needed to be liberated from my way of thinking and this liberation has been an instrumental part of my healing. One of the main concepts introduced early in my Shamanic practice was the idea of ‘self service’. If I was to heal and grow, I needed to make changes. This meant dropping behaviour that ‘no longer served me’. In this phrase you may detect a distinct lack of judgement. There’s not the heaviness of ‘wrong doing’ associated with behaviour. It’s quite simply not in my best interest to do these things and therefore it makes sense that I stop doing them. Our judgemental attachment to so-called ‘wrong doing’ is what leads to so much more ‘wrong doing’, which is really just illness – hence the constant reference in Shamanism to ‘healing’ and ‘medicine’.

My experience of healing has helped me to see myself and to approach my life and the world in different ways. I continue to learn about what it means to be ill by learning and experiencing what it means to be well. When I have had difficulties of my own or with others, it helps to see that these difficulties are part of an illness that can be treated rather than an evil or bad behaviour. Once there is judgement, a heaviness is attached, and it becomes much more difficult for me to extricate myself from it. If I’m able to see it as illness, compassion is my response rather than judgement and this changes everything. Would we punish someone for being ill? Even formally, we have laws to protect the mentally ill from punishment. However, I think it’s time that we change the way that we define and perceive mental illness. A favourite quote comes to mind:

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society”

Jiddu Krishnamurti

The wellness and mindfulness movement is an indicator of this need for change and our desire to move forward in a different way. Those of us who have been forced to focus on wellness have discovered that this is not a quick fix. True wellness requires big changes in the ways that we think about and act towards ourselves and towards others. It requires effort and it requires compassion.

Once you begin to see the results of compassion, a form of love, you marvel at the power of it and how freeing it is. Mostly, you marvel at how good it feels and then you understand that there is an alternative to suffering. We have a choice in this and moving from punishment to compassion is a choice and a powerful step towards ending suffering.

Mastering the Mind

Ayahuasca has taught me many things and one of the main areas of both study and application of these lessons has involved the mind. This talk will provide you with some valuable insights and tools to help you master your mind!

Becoming the custodian of the landscape of my mind…

I remember people always remarking to me that I was ‘in my head’ a lot and this statement carried with it some negative connotations. I understood this at the time because it meant that I wasn’t engaging with those around me and that created a sort of distance. Who knew that ultimately, this would become a strength that would help me engage so much better with those around me?  I have been working with plant medicines (Iboga, Ayahusca, Peyote & more) for some time now and although the immediate results of taking these medicines is pronounced and inspiring, I know that it’s just the beginning of the work that needs to be done to bring about lasting change. All of the healing work I’ve done has required me to engage with my mind in new ways. One of the things I learned to do was to take note of the nature of thoughts that occupied my mind. One by one I became aware of different kinds of harmful intrusions. One was ‘The Bully’ which was something I needed to address head on so that it no longer imposed upon my thoughts and ultimately affected my outlook. The word ‘outlook’ pretty much says it all in terms of how these kinds of thoughts affect your reality. The outlook is the lens through which you see the world and getting rid of intrusions in your mind can improve your outlook, and in turn your life, enormously.

Another form of intrusion I dealt with was an invasive form of panic. It’s not like an all out panic attack. I had those in the past and they are long gone. I think that the panic attacks happened to let me know that there was a lot of deeper work I needed to do to become healthy. It was a messenger and instead of receiving the message, I did what a lot of people do. I treated the message as a disease in itself rather than the symptom of a greater issue I needed to address. Ultimately, I had to endure a long and painful depression to bring me to a place where I was able to face the many issues that had been making themselves known to me in various ways (illnesses and other physical and psychological conditions). Now I have the tools to address these issues and the work is intensive. When I feel an emotional or physical discomfort, I know that it’s a message and that I have to take time out to discover what’s behind it. Not long ago it was a slight but persistent panic. It was very subtle so I had been diligently ignoring it in favour of getting other daily tasks done. This is a long standing habit – to ignore pain or discomfort whether it’s physical or emotional. Most of us do this and it’s understandable. I had to acknowledge this slightly panicked state, which was brought to my attention, then make time to deal with it. When you realize the degree to which something like this impacts your daily experience and know that there’s a chance to address it, you have all the incentive you need.

As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, sometimes film is used to illustrate lessons and provide me with messages. This time, it was used to show me the many experiences I’ve had in my life that helped to construct this state of fear and panic. The sense of panic had a charge – a potency – and to release it, I had to acknowledge its origins. Sometimes this can be difficult to do but the stories that accompany this healing have the power to reach right inside of me and expose something deeply ingrained. Once I acknowledge this deeper reality and release the charge it has, sometimes through some tears, I’m able to then let it go. This panic had become a fixture in my mind no longer attached to old events and I would attach it to just about everything. In this way it became a constant part of my reality and I expended a great deal of energy to support it. Given that this was my everyday experience, I became so used to it that I didn’t even realize it was happening but felt the impact of it constantly. Once this was brought to my attention and I agreed to deal with it, the process of healing commenced. It takes time and commitment to do this but it’s well worth the investment. I often question this while it’s underway, while I’m watching movies thinking: “Can this possibly be good for me?” “Does this really constitute work?” I do this time and again despite the consistently positive results I’ve been getting from exactly this type of work. This questioning mind of mine is also constantly at work. But I have managed to not engage too much with this questioning side so that the other important work can continue.

Sometimes I think I allow the questioning to continue so that I can still remain connected to those who find this extraordinary work baffling. There are times I find it baffling too but I move on from this baffled state into a state of wonder.. a much more enjoyable state indeed. I’m still very attached to the world of thinking which can be helpful to a point but then it can become a barrier of intellectualizing. Perhaps it’s a unique form of intrusion in itself. I’ve found myself moving beyond the questioning so many times to a sensing, which leads to a deeper place of knowing – a much more peaceful place. It’s a profound state that needs no justification. It doesn’t pay homage to the endless struggle of the mind – the intellectual callisthenics we often think necessary to achieve knowledge. I’m now taking action within the mind itself and ordering it according to what serves me. It seems to me now that much of this intellectual wrangling is for its own sake. It wants to be acknowledged for the act itself – the thinking rather than the result – the result in this case being the evidence of thinking. This impressive tail chasing is a familiar scenario. When the result of these efforts of the mind is a knowing that can’t be evidenced by logic but by reality – by a healthy and peaceful state of being that can be experienced – I think it’s pretty clear which one will better serve me. It makes sense!

Movies, Healing and Emotional Detox

After returning from Peru in the spring of last year I underwent an unusual form of healing. It was a long and guided process that was tailor made for me and involved one of my favourite activities: watching movies. Initially upon my return from Peru I participated in what is called ‘The Presence Process’ as I had been guided to do in one of my Ayhuasca sessions but after that, the guidance continued and I have been continuing on in this guided way ever since. While in Peru, experiencing group Ayahuasca ceremonies, like many others, I was witness to some outpouring of emotion by various members in the group as part of their healing process. I was surprised to find that only one night in the entire two weeks did I find myself becoming emotional and it was fairly mild. After returning home and finding that I was being guided to do specific things to continue my unique healing process, I soon came to understand that there would be many opportunities for me to pour out my emotions.

One of the most consistent ways that I engage in this emotional healing is through film. It’s hard to tell at this point what I find more surprising, the guidance or the fact that watching films has become an act of healing for me. I think this pronounced internal guidance I’m receiving tops the list of surprising things hands down but it has become so much a part of everyday life for me that I begin to put it down to the regular internal dialogue that I’ve always had and that most people have. The difference is that my internal dialogue was never so wise, instructive, healthy or supportive. Shortly after completing the ‘presence process’ which was a revelation in itself, I was guided to watch certain movies. The first such instruction came to me while at home going about some regular tasks and the movie title would not leave my head. It was reinforced over and over. It was a film I didn’t really want to watch which helped me to accept that this was more than just some kind of preoccupation I was having. I watched the movie and found that I was very emotional during certain parts of it. It was not a normal experience. Of course I had been emotional during movies before but not on this scale and not in this way. During this movie there were parts that struck me in such a profound way and my response was immediate. Through these certain parts of the story, I was made to understand the message that was being communicated to me. There were both messages and lessons that formed an important part of my healing.

This form of healing continued and I was guided to watch other movies. Sometimes through a certain part of a film or during an entire film I was made to see certain parts of my behaviour that was not impressive to say the least. This is a common phenomenon when working with plant medicines so it was apparent to me that this medicine was still having an effect. This has been known to happen but everyone’s experience of it is different. There were also many other kinds of insight I received through this form of healing. I was made to see certain events in my life in ways that changed my perspective and gave me a better understanding of what I had experienced and how it had affected me. Other times I was given greater lessons about humanity. Some of these lessons we all know theoretically: the tragedy of how we hurt one another and how this is perpetuated generation after generation. We do this because we’re unaware of things we carry inside of us that cause harmful behaviour which is difficult for us to see from our own standpoint – unless we make a concerted effort to do so that is.

This lesson is one of the most important ones because it’s so universal. We hear it and it makes sense but somehow these lessons for me took on a whole new depth when watching these movies. It was something I had agreed to do for the purpose of healing and this is what took it beyond the usual movie watching experience. The movies became a tool or a vehicle to reach me and they did with tremendous impact. It’s really quite startling the difference between just passively watching a movie (as I had done so many times before) and being guided to watch one for the purpose of healing. I could watch the same movie an hour, a day or a week later and have no reaction at all. The agreement I made each time pertained to a specific movie to be watched with an intention of healing at a particular time in my life. This combination was what seemed to bring about this extraordinary experience.

The messages I receive in this way rarely have anything to do with the subject matter of the film. Sometimes the subject is used to convey certain concepts but mostly it’s the mystifying power of stories themselves that have been traditionally used to convey ideas, concepts and lessons for centuries. Sometimes an actual sentence will stand out in a way that I know it’s meant for me. It’s very clear and the messages are always full of wisdom, compassion and insight. It’s been such a fascinating experience and the best part is that after I commit to watching the film that has come up for me, I feel so much better afterwards. There is a distinct difference between this and having a good cry at a movie. With every tear, something within me changes and afterwards the feeling of release is unmistakable. This change happens on a deep level and I feel lighter. Through this process I’m often relieved of something that had been dogging me for a very long time – an emotional or psychological weight has been lifted. This is often in stark contrast to the way I feel beforehand.

I’ve come to refer to this process as emotional detox. I do this because the build up to the healing itself is a feeling of emotional toxification. The things inside of me that need to be healed rise within me and it feels awful. Sometimes I need to live with these uncomfortable feelings for what seems like a long period of time before they are relieved through this form of healing. The word uncomfortable is really too mild a word to describe what happens. Sometimes it’s almost unbearable. It varies of course like illness often does from mild to more severe. When it’s severe I pity the people I’m around and try to minimize the casualties in my midst through containment. I try to manage my reactions to things. This is something I agree to as well and it can be quite the challenge. Given how long I’ve been at it, the severity of the build-up has reduced significantly. I still don’t like the feeling of each build-up but I’m reminded of earlier days and know that it’s well worth the progress I’ve made. It seems that this healing happens in stages related to layers of pain that have been lingering deep inside for years. The timing of these healings is still a mystery to me among so many mysteries I will probably never understand.

Some movies I was guided to watch were very hard to get a hold of. They were movies from my childhood – obscure ‘70s movies – but the response once I watched them was so powerful. Other times it was obnoxious ‘80s movies I had no interest in seeing and I really had to muster up some faith to bring myself to watch them. This was especially true because of how miserable I was feeling working up to this point and yet my motivation to relieve these awful feelings always eclipsed my reluctance. No matter how consistently I was healed by this process I questioned it every time. I still do. It’s something I had to get used to. I often laugh about the tenacity of my doubt given the consistently positive results but after a lifetime of believing that this kind of thing is not possible, it’s difficult to shake the part of myself that still doubts. I’ve become accustomed to doubt now and allow it to flow through me without giving it too much energy.

It’s been and continues to be a remarkable experience. I’ve been asked to watch films where I can relate to every character in the film – even the nasty ones and ones I never could have imagined relating to before. It’s been enlightening, astonishing and liberating. It has released me from issues that had been clouding my judgement and holding me back in so many ways. It has alleviated maladies I didn’t even know I had and healed others that I felt were beyond anyone’s powers. It has strengthened my relationships with those closest to me, especially my young son, and has helped me to face things in my life in a more honest and direct way. This has been a result of not only this peculiar movie technique but the constant guidance I’ve received daily. It’s been an extraordinary experience that I doubt words can do justice to but I’m utterly compelled to try.

I’ve always been a questioning sort of person and continue to be although I don’t always get the answers I want. Sometimes I don’t get answers at all but what I get is far more important than that. I get positive change. That’s far more valuable than anything that answers can provide. These changes within me are worth embracing any notions I previously considered to be strange or impossible or flighty (the list goes on). The truth is that I’m not asked to believe anything really. I’m just asked to agree to do certain things to heal. One of the things that I know is part of my healing is to speak and it would be impossible for me not to speak about this inner guidance. I know it’s inside of all of us. It’s a phenomenon that has such possibilities to end suffering and to bring about peace. It has astounding potential and yet it is a very personal and unique experience for everyone. It can’t be bottled or marketed but it can be shared and people can be inspired to pursue their own experience of it in their own way and that’s what I hope to do.

 

Observing my thought patterns… the reason I never have to watch disaster movies

Inner work has been quite an adventure for me at times. I began this inner work after becoming involved in shamanism and ultimately working with shamanic plant medicines such as Ayahuasca and Iboga. These plants can do amazing things to propel people forward into a state of improved mental health, but often the work begins after taking the medicine. The most popular term that people use to describe the application of the gifts that these medicines bring is ‘integration’. I have worked steadily over the last couple of years on integration and one of the most important aspects of this work is observing the mind. I have come to a point where I’ve been able to observe my thoughts and begin to change the kinds of thoughts that occupy my mind. Some repeating themes have surprised me. I wrote previously about getting acquainted with The Bully Within and the inner adventures continue.

Becoming mindful can be a bigger experience than I had ever imagined. Of course, I had never imagined becoming ‘mindful’. I just wanted to cure myself of a deep four year depression. This led me down an astonishing path of revelations that continue to amaze me daily. A requirement of my healing was to observe my thought patterns. What havoc! I will start out by saying that this is an ongoing process as is all of this inner work but one of the first things that struck me was how often I had conjured up images of disasters. It reminded me of listening to my mother’s worries when we were kids. “I could see you falling and breaking your back and the ambulance coming!” There were lots of references to the spinal cord. My father was a big one for “you’ll crack your head open!”. This always inspired interesting images in our little heads but the point is, that although there were some accidents when we were kids (I was one of 5 children) reality could never compete with the incessant vivid catastrophes that took place in my mother’s mind – it simply wasn’t possible. Well, as it turns out, I take after her and far too many of the thoughts that came to my mind with alarming frequency were disaster scenarios. Not only related to my child, although that one I’m sure many can understand.

I was surprised to discover that I was haunted by such thoughts on a regular basis. The internal stress that this caused was immeasurable not to mention the effect it had on my outlook. These thoughts would come unbidden at all times of the day, completely unrelated to anything I was doing at times. I would have images of accidents and all manner of painful or dangerous events happening either in my house or on the street.. things falling, me falling, tripping and getting caught under a bus, stepping on cut glass, getting electrocuted, fires, injuries, natural disasters, you name it. Granted, sometimes these things were related to issues I was dealing with i.e. while cleaning up a broken glass or getting on a bus but I realized after observing my thoughts long enough that this was sort of like a program that continued to run completely independent of anything I was involved with at the time. These little images flew into my mind and out again and I was left with the impression of them and the internal reaction to these impressions. It’s hard to believe that this had been happening for so long without me being aware of it or taking note. I guess I had never thought that this was something that could be changed or that I had any control over. But I did and once I became aware of this pattern, I began to address it and intentionally change it.

I remember that the idea of being on the edge of my seat in a movie theatre (or in my living room for that matter) was never appealing for me and now I understand this better. I had a disaster movie marathon running through my mind on a regular basis. Having worked to change the landscape of my mind, I admit that I’m still not in any way tempted to watch disaster flicks.. I don’t think it was ever meant to be my thing but I’m grateful to be at liberty to find my ‘edge of the seat’ experiences in other ways. Of course there was a point where I breathed easier and was pleased with my progress about this. After some diligent work I can honestly say that this doesn’t occupy my mind much at all anymore. Did I feel peaceful as a result? Of course, and then I was presented with the next challenge but this is a path I have chosen and there’s always more work to do.

I will admit to having more of an attraction to adventure films rather than disaster films (or thrillers) and although that’s still true, I have found that this inner adventure is quite enough for me at times. This work has also involved its fair share of external adventures as well involving travel and plant medicines (travel on many levels) so I think I am sufficiently sated in terms of stimulation. And as far as movies go, there are times that this work for me involves watching films and receiving lessons, insights and healing using this medium as a tool. It is a very customized regime that is also ongoing. I will write about this more fully in another post but for the time being, I just wanted to share about the nature of my thoughts past and present, both thoughts I have worked to oust from my mind and thoughts about observing my thoughts. Is that enough thinking for today? I think so, we can always move onto feelings soon, which is quite the adventure too.

Healing The World of Conflict: Inner & Outer

Some of the major issues in the world that loom large and seem ominous are larger and more extreme versions of the kinds of issues we face in every day situations in our own lives and more importantly, of issues we face or often don’t face within ourselves. One of the things that I have discovered on my path of healing is how much conflict there has been within me. It’s been the focus of most of the work I‘ve been guided to do on myself, and it’s been an incredibly insightful experience. Once I got past the ego driven resistance that didn’t want to acknowledge there’s anything ‘wrong’ with me, I was able to learn about the things I needed to change to help make my life experience richer, more peaceful and more fulfilling.

The truth is that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me. This notion of being ‘wrong’ was a misinterpretation. It was my response to the idea of recognizing the things within me that I needed to address. Even the worst parts of my behavior were and are just a reflection of internal conflict and addressing this internal conflict is an ongoing process. Orienting myself to this view has helped me a great deal. It has helped me to become more gentle with myself and to become less judgmental of others. The reason that many of us have a strongly negative reaction to this notion of being wrong is because we associate this wrong behavior with who we are but deep inside, we know that this wrong behavior is not who we are at all. In fact, it’s at odds with who we are and therein lies the conflict.

Working through internal conflict can be challenging but so consistently rewarding and with this work comes a change in perspective. A deeper understanding of our own inner world can lead to a better understanding of our outer world. It doesn’t take long to see parallels between internal conflicts and the conflicts that exist within close personal relationships. From there you can see how our immediate community and ultimately, the global community is a reflection of these same kinds of conflicts that exist within us all. It’s clear to me now that we’ll never be able to solve these greater world issues of conflict unless we can recognize and begin to address our own internal conflicts.

I think that this is part of what Jesus meant in the “throw the first stone” lesson. Billions of people have been profoundly moved by similar tenets in religions and belief systems worldwide for a reason. There’s a part of us that recognizes the truth of it. Underneath all of the conflict inside of us resides a source of wisdom – an intuition – that can be the guiding principal in our lives. This guiding principal contains the essence of who we really are. It is a unique aspect of our being that is often ignored to our detriment. By simply forming the intention of connecting with this wisdom, we acknowledge its existence and from there, the journey of healing ensues. If we allow ourselves to be guided by this internal wisdom we may begin to address internal conflict that reflects outwardly and in doing so, we take the most important step towards addressing conflict in this world.

Credibility: Belief & Trust

To address the issue of credibility, in relation to the experiences I’ve been having and writing about, I decided to look up the definition of the word. It was quite a revelation as it often is when you pursue this kind of inquiry. There is a sense of chasing your tail. One word leads to another, which leads back to the first. Credibility definitions all have to do with belief and trust. As usual there are synonyms and examples of the use of the word and you inevitably come across other words and themes like reality and truth. Looking into the definitions of these related words is a very similar experience and I recommend that everyone do this but just in case you don’t think you’ll find the time, I have printed my findings at the bottom of this post.

Looking at the origins of words is often more intriguing than looking up the definition and it can provide more insight. I looked up the origins (etymology) of similar words: credible, credentials, credence. Eventually it led to the word Credo literally meaning “I believe”. I think the most important aspect of this exercise is that it shows that what we believe is what is considered to be credible. It reflected back to me the same kind of theme that repeats itself often on this journey of healing: when I look outside of myself to discover anything it always circles back to me in the end.

There are other interesting discoveries to be made in definitions for related words. Within the definition of the word ‘reality’ I found this most revealing statement that is meant to illustrate the meaning of this word:

  • a thing that is actually experienced or seen, especially when this is grim or problematic.

It’s interesting to consider the fact that we find something more credible – more reality based – if it is negative. I think we have all experienced the word reality more often than not being used in relation to something grim or unpleasant which is always contrasted by the idea of fantasy. This leads me back to why I made this inquiry in the first place. The word incredible is often used as an overwhelmingly positive description of something. It’s usually understood that whatever is being described as ‘incredible’ is actually witnessed or experienced. All of this would seem to indicate that what we experience as overwhelmingly positive, we find hard to believe. What does this say about our collective state of mind? At the very least, I think it can be changed for the better and I believe that this change is already underway with the growing interest in meditation, intention and consciousness. Areas of thinking that have been conventionally perceived as separate and opposed (science and spirituality) are now coming together to form beliefs (credibility – reality) that represent great progress and promise for humanity.

End Note: If you look at the definitions below, when you come across the part of the definition for the word ‘reality’ that states: “existence that is.. not subject to human decisions or inventions”, I hope you either have a good chuckle as I did or consider the various versions of reality we are exposed to daily on a social level (people’s opinions/beliefs) or look into the concept of quantum reality that continues to be a point of contention as many scientists remain committed to their own beliefs surrounding this revelation rather than continue to explore these phenomenal possibilities that might upset everything we’ve understood about reality to date. I think this is a good example of the spiritual and scientific community coming together, even though not all scientists are ready to consider the idea of our impact (observer’s effect) on reality to be ‘credible’.

End Note II: If you want a further chuckle, look up the definition of ‘reality’ yourself and see all of the references to ‘reality TV’.

Credibility/Credible

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/credible

: able to be believed : reasonable to trust or believe

: good enough to be effective

Full Definition of CREDIBLE

:  offering reasonable grounds for being believed <a credible account of an accident> <credible witnesses>

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/credibility

The quality of being trusted and believed in: the government’s loss of credibility

Origin

Mid 16th century: from medieval Latin credibilitas, from Latin credibilis (see credible).

Late Middle English: from Latin credibilis, from credere ‘believe’.

Etymology

Credible:

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=credible

credible (adj.)

“believable,” late 14c., from Latin credibilis “worthy to be believed,” from credere (see credo). Related: Credibly.

Credentials

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=credentials

credentials (n.)

“letters entitling the bearer to certain credit or confidence,” 1670s, from Medieval Latin credentialis, from credentia (see credence). Probably immediately as a shortening of letters credential (1520s, with French word order); earlier was letter of credence (mid-14c.).

Credence

credence (n.)

mid-14c., from Medieval Latin credentia “belief,” from Latin credentum (nominative credens), past participle of credere “believe, trust” (see credo).

Credo

credo (n.)

late 12c., from Latin, literally “I believe,” first word of the Apostles’ and Nicene Creeds, first person singular present indicative of credere “to believe,” from PIE compound *kerd-dhe- “to believe,” literally “to put one’s heart” (cognates: Old Irish cretim, Irish creidim, Welsh credu “I believe,” Sanskrit śrad-dhā- “faith”), from PIE root *kerd- (1) “heart” (see heart (n.)). The nativized form is creed. General sense of “formula or statement of belief” is from 1580s.

                When you look up the word ‘Truth’ you find many references to ‘Reality’:

  • that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

                                     This led me to examine the word ‘Reality’

re·al·i·ty

noun: reality

the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

“he refuses to face reality”

synonyms:the real world, real life, actuality; More truth; physical existence” distinguishing fantasy from reality”
antonyms:fantasy
    
  • a thing that is actually experienced or seen, especially when this is grim or problematic.
  1. 2.

the state or quality of having existence or substance.

  • Philosophy

existence that is absolute, self-sufficient, or objective, and not subject to human decisions or conventions.

Origin

late 15th century: via French from medieval Latin realitas, from late Latin realis ‘relating to things’ (see real1).

My conclusion about reality? It’s all relative…

Exposing the Bully Within

I just returned from a trip to England with my young son and during this trip I became more acquainted with the bully within. I first encountered this concept of the bully through a dream that illuminated the fact that my writing was suffering due to internal interference. In this scenario, I was both the bully and the victim. The guidance I continue to receive on this and many other issues is a result of my involvement in shamanism and plant medicines for the purpose of healing and growth. During this recent trip to England it became clear to me that this bully inside of me interferes in every aspect of my life if I allow it to and I have done so because I’ve been unaware of it. Thoughts arise in my mind and are often immediately responded to by the bully sometimes in the form of ongoing harmful chatter. This affects the way I feel about myself and about everyone and everything around me. It also affects how I make decisions both big and small. I have identified it as the voice inside that asserts itself as soon as I come up with a thought or an idea – going to a store to pick up something I need, redecorating a room in a way that I have wanted to for so long, embarking on a project that intrigues me or even as I begin to imagine myself in some pleasant circumstances. Usually the reason I have put off some project is because the bully comes up with an endless list of reasons why it won’t work out or why it’s a bad idea. Sometimes this is expressed in arguments or images and other times it’s a pressure – the kind of uncomfortable pressure you might feel when you’re being scrutinized. What follows is a discouraging heaviness. Sometimes I avoid the heaviness by moving on but of course the ideas and bullying tactics simply resurface.

This situation has created a harsh atmosphere within my mind that has affected my daily experience for a very long time now. It’s been exhausting. I believe that this is what ultimately led to a deep depression that lasted for years. It was just over a year ago that I began to fully emerge from this depression although it’s been a long and involved process that became the path that I am still on today. This discovery of the bully within has had a tremendous impact on me. It was a deep knowing that I’ve experienced before when receiving these spiritually communicated insights. It occurred when I was wandering the streets of London with my son. We were venturing out to explore the area around the place where we were staying. I was excited and daunted at the same time. It was the first time that I traveled overseas alone with my young son (6 years old). We were looking for a café and some shops and as the feelings of excitement became eclipsed by the daunting feelings, there was a pause and then it was made clear to me what was happening. My inner guiding voice made me aware of the fact that the bully had taken over and that this was a common occurrence in my life.

The truth of it descended upon me and began to permeate my mind and body. It was a physical, spiritual and intellectual event. I didn’t need to rationalize it – I knew it to be true instantly. This knowing is superior to rationalization. Rationalizing is bully territory. It gives the bully an opportunity to legitimize all of its assertions and tear down the notion of its existence. Instead of rationalizing, what usually follows these revelations is processing – allowing all of the pieces to fall into place in my mind and they often do with startling effect. It’s the kind of experience that inspired exclamations like “Eureka!” or in modern times “Aha!”. As this revelation occurred, the bully subsided and I continued to walk the beautiful streets of London, marveling at both the outer and inner events of my life. I was enjoying exploring London with my son and moving through this revelation that I knew would change my life for the better although not without some work.

During this trip to England, some stressful situations arose and that is when the bully began to encroach upon my thoughts again. My son became ill and there were times that I began to question everything. It was at times like this that I was most vulnerable to the bully. Instead, I was guided: “don’t enter the victim state”. It was true that I was on the verge of tears and that my capacity to navigate this situation was being compromised by this pull towards the victim stance. I was tired and confused. I even began to write about it while my son was playing loudly with some toys in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic in Weymouth. I didn’t have long to write or to do anything but attend to my son and try to address his needs in this unfamiliar environment. My son was up throughout the night with a high fever and I used damp cloths to cool his head and read to him. We watched bad late night television until he finally fell asleep just before dawn. The next day we prepared to travel again and I wondered if he would be well enough to get on the train. As he lay on the bed my son looked up at me and said “we’re really having an adventure now aren’t we!” I smiled at his attitude after such a night and the wisdom of his statement stayed with me as I realized that challenges are pretty much an essential part of any genuine adventure.

The adventure continued as later that day I saw that my son’s eyes were becoming disturbingly red – beyond bloodshot. I knew that as soon as we got off the train and arrived in the next town, I would have to find another doctor. I heeded the guided warning each time it was given but it was a struggle. I’m so thankful that it was repeated many times as I was made to see that things would have been made so much more difficult for me (and my son for that matter) if I gave into the familiar victim state. I’ve been learning about how the external world responds to or is a reflection of our internal state and that this is why inner work is the most important work of all. Not only is this notion of reality shared by some pioneers (both new and old) in the world of quantum physics and science, it was also revealed to me in an Ayahuasca session during which my curiosity about the matter was responded to with “your reality is a result of your state”. All of the work I’ve been guided to do since then has been about improving my state. Now that I’m home safe and sound with my son who is feeling better, it’s time to address the issue of the bully within. I have to try to become more aware of this bullying in action so as to expose it and in doing so, render it powerless over me.

It has been revealed to me that this bully entity within is a composite of many negative and judgmental voices and influences that I have heard and experienced throughout my life. This is quite an extensive collection of opinions, assertions and attitudes and it will take a huge effort to oust this internal influence but I know that it’s something I must do if I am to move forward. I have been so used to tuning into spiritual guidance over the last few months that it’s almost as though this bully snuck up on me. However, now that I’m becoming more familiar with the rhythm of this healing path, it makes sense that this bully is being revealed to me prominently now so that I may address it. The voice of the bully must be heard so that I can recognize it, acknowledge the role it has played in my life and officially say goodbye to it.

Recognizing the voice of the bully within is no small task I can assure you. Often it’s like there’s a low volume radio program on inside my head and although I’m not aware of listening, the content is registering. It feels as much a part of me sometimes as breathing but I know now that it’s not a part of me at all but it’s a part of my experience and thankfully, I have a spiritual ally that will help me change this. After all, I wouldn’t even be aware of it without the help of this guidance. It’s an inner guidance that comes from an authentic place that cannot tolerate the bully. I think this bully within is the root of many issues in my life so this is an opportunity for extensive growth. In a shamanic workshop over a year ago I asked for help to silence the harmful voices within. I think that so much of the work I’ve done since then has led me here to this point of addressing the bully within. There were steps I needed to take to get here and the path continues to take twists and turns with peaks and valleys but ever upward. Sometimes the upward climb can be a strain, but it’s always rewarding.

I have been constantly given tools to negotiate this path and I can’t imagine life without them now. Some of these tools are available to anyone (the presence process, plant medicines etc.) but not necessarily appropriate for everyone and some of the tools are customized for me. I’m often given phrases, intentions and concepts that help me understand and address various issues in my life as they arise. Once I became committed to this path, the guidance was more pronounced and accessible to me and has become a way of life for me now. I’m ever grateful for this guidance I’m receiving and it’s this guiding voice that urges me to share these experiences as much as possible. The very act of sharing these experiences is healing for me and it has been very clearly indicated to me that this is my purpose. I feel the truth of this every time I share my experiences.