Tag: Inner Voice

Ayahuasca Wisdom: Responding to the Rising Conflict in the World

It’s been a long time since I’ve seriously pondered issues of conflict beyond my own personal ones. I used to be an activist/documentary film maker and I was admittedly a rabid activist – always angry and ranting about something. In fact, I was in such an unhealthy state that ultimately I had to walk away from these endeavours to find a way to address my depression. It was the best thing I could have done and it has changed my life for the better in every way. It was at this point in my life that I discovered shamanism and plant medicines. Once I began to focus on healing, I carefully chose what media I was exposed to and although I had always been very selective in this regard, I became even more so and the effect was a very calming one. It allowed me to keep my attention where it needed to be.

I have been engaging in shamanism for some time now and working with various medicines and doing the most important work of all: integrating these experiences. In other words, I have been taking the lessons I’ve learned through this medicine and shamanic work and applying them to my life. In doing so, I have improved my health, my relationships and my outlook on life. This integration work continues and it will continue for the rest of my life. It has become a way of life for me. And now, I find myself in a community of people who like me, are working towards a better world. All of us do this in our own unique ways. Within this community it has not been possible to avoid the kinds of conversations that arise from the events that have been prominent in the news media lately. I skillfully (although not always successfully) avoided conversations about Trump but now, I find it increasingly difficult to refrain from involving myself in conversations about the attacks arising from Islamophobia. I have come to fully appreciate what it means to ‘be the change’ and yet in the face of these disturbing issues being discussed all around me, I found myself conflicted and felt the familiar disturbing feelings rising inside me. Although they are not anywhere near my old feelings of rage, I still found it difficult to sort through what I felt and so I asked for guidance.

I have been very fortunate to receive a great deal of guidance from an incredible source of wisdom and recently, Ayahuasca asked me to ‘put pencil to paper’. I have done so and not only received answers to my questions but I began to engage in writing some very unique material that doesn’t in any way resemble my style of writing. It’s familiar to me however, from my experiences with plant medicines, Ayahuasca in particular. It was Ayahuasca who used this technique to reply to my dilemma about how to respond to this disturbing feeling I had about the conflict that seems to be ever encroaching these days. Here’s what came out when I did as I was asked and put pencil to paper:

The beast within you knows that outer beast. They are friends. They work together to stage battles that we attend. If we were to change the rules and no longer allow these beasts an arena in which to hold these battles, the audience would leave and the show would be over. No more spectacle to engage in.

Our beast, the beast within us, answers the battle call always in the name of peace. If we vanquish the beast within, we will have fought our last battle. When you hear the call to battle, seek out the beast within that responds. This beast needs your love and attention. It’s the only way to end the battles.

These battle cries and responses are symptoms of a deeper problem that we’re not addressing. We never will address the deeper problem if we allow these battles to continue. We have proven this time and again.

Movies, Healing and Emotional Detox

After returning from Peru in the spring of last year I underwent an unusual form of healing. It was a long and guided process that was tailor made for me and involved one of my favourite activities: watching movies. Initially upon my return from Peru I participated in what is called ‘The Presence Process’ as I had been guided to do in one of my Ayhuasca sessions but after that, the guidance continued and I have been continuing on in this guided way ever since. While in Peru, experiencing group Ayahuasca ceremonies, like many others, I was witness to some outpouring of emotion by various members in the group as part of their healing process. I was surprised to find that only one night in the entire two weeks did I find myself becoming emotional and it was fairly mild. After returning home and finding that I was being guided to do specific things to continue my unique healing process, I soon came to understand that there would be many opportunities for me to pour out my emotions.

One of the most consistent ways that I engage in this emotional healing is through film. It’s hard to tell at this point what I find more surprising, the guidance or the fact that watching films has become an act of healing for me. I think this pronounced internal guidance I’m receiving tops the list of surprising things hands down but it has become so much a part of everyday life for me that I begin to put it down to the regular internal dialogue that I’ve always had and that most people have. The difference is that my internal dialogue was never so wise, instructive, healthy or supportive. Shortly after completing the ‘presence process’ which was a revelation in itself, I was guided to watch certain movies. The first such instruction came to me while at home going about some regular tasks and the movie title would not leave my head. It was reinforced over and over. It was a film I didn’t really want to watch which helped me to accept that this was more than just some kind of preoccupation I was having. I watched the movie and found that I was very emotional during certain parts of it. It was not a normal experience. Of course I had been emotional during movies before but not on this scale and not in this way. During this movie there were parts that struck me in such a profound way and my response was immediate. Through these certain parts of the story, I was made to understand the message that was being communicated to me. There were both messages and lessons that formed an important part of my healing.

This form of healing continued and I was guided to watch other movies. Sometimes through a certain part of a film or during an entire film I was made to see certain parts of my behaviour that was not impressive to say the least. This is a common phenomenon when working with plant medicines so it was apparent to me that this medicine was still having an effect. This has been known to happen but everyone’s experience of it is different. There were also many other kinds of insight I received through this form of healing. I was made to see certain events in my life in ways that changed my perspective and gave me a better understanding of what I had experienced and how it had affected me. Other times I was given greater lessons about humanity. Some of these lessons we all know theoretically: the tragedy of how we hurt one another and how this is perpetuated generation after generation. We do this because we’re unaware of things we carry inside of us that cause harmful behaviour which is difficult for us to see from our own standpoint – unless we make a concerted effort to do so that is.

This lesson is one of the most important ones because it’s so universal. We hear it and it makes sense but somehow these lessons for me took on a whole new depth when watching these movies. It was something I had agreed to do for the purpose of healing and this is what took it beyond the usual movie watching experience. The movies became a tool or a vehicle to reach me and they did with tremendous impact. It’s really quite startling the difference between just passively watching a movie (as I had done so many times before) and being guided to watch one for the purpose of healing. I could watch the same movie an hour, a day or a week later and have no reaction at all. The agreement I made each time pertained to a specific movie to be watched with an intention of healing at a particular time in my life. This combination was what seemed to bring about this extraordinary experience.

The messages I receive in this way rarely have anything to do with the subject matter of the film. Sometimes the subject is used to convey certain concepts but mostly it’s the mystifying power of stories themselves that have been traditionally used to convey ideas, concepts and lessons for centuries. Sometimes an actual sentence will stand out in a way that I know it’s meant for me. It’s very clear and the messages are always full of wisdom, compassion and insight. It’s been such a fascinating experience and the best part is that after I commit to watching the film that has come up for me, I feel so much better afterwards. There is a distinct difference between this and having a good cry at a movie. With every tear, something within me changes and afterwards the feeling of release is unmistakable. This change happens on a deep level and I feel lighter. Through this process I’m often relieved of something that had been dogging me for a very long time – an emotional or psychological weight has been lifted. This is often in stark contrast to the way I feel beforehand.

I’ve come to refer to this process as emotional detox. I do this because the build up to the healing itself is a feeling of emotional toxification. The things inside of me that need to be healed rise within me and it feels awful. Sometimes I need to live with these uncomfortable feelings for what seems like a long period of time before they are relieved through this form of healing. The word uncomfortable is really too mild a word to describe what happens. Sometimes it’s almost unbearable. It varies of course like illness often does from mild to more severe. When it’s severe I pity the people I’m around and try to minimize the casualties in my midst through containment. I try to manage my reactions to things. This is something I agree to as well and it can be quite the challenge. Given how long I’ve been at it, the severity of the build-up has reduced significantly. I still don’t like the feeling of each build-up but I’m reminded of earlier days and know that it’s well worth the progress I’ve made. It seems that this healing happens in stages related to layers of pain that have been lingering deep inside for years. The timing of these healings is still a mystery to me among so many mysteries I will probably never understand.

Some movies I was guided to watch were very hard to get a hold of. They were movies from my childhood – obscure ‘70s movies – but the response once I watched them was so powerful. Other times it was obnoxious ‘80s movies I had no interest in seeing and I really had to muster up some faith to bring myself to watch them. This was especially true because of how miserable I was feeling working up to this point and yet my motivation to relieve these awful feelings always eclipsed my reluctance. No matter how consistently I was healed by this process I questioned it every time. I still do. It’s something I had to get used to. I often laugh about the tenacity of my doubt given the consistently positive results but after a lifetime of believing that this kind of thing is not possible, it’s difficult to shake the part of myself that still doubts. I’ve become accustomed to doubt now and allow it to flow through me without giving it too much energy.

It’s been and continues to be a remarkable experience. I’ve been asked to watch films where I can relate to every character in the film – even the nasty ones and ones I never could have imagined relating to before. It’s been enlightening, astonishing and liberating. It has released me from issues that had been clouding my judgement and holding me back in so many ways. It has alleviated maladies I didn’t even know I had and healed others that I felt were beyond anyone’s powers. It has strengthened my relationships with those closest to me, especially my young son, and has helped me to face things in my life in a more honest and direct way. This has been a result of not only this peculiar movie technique but the constant guidance I’ve received daily. It’s been an extraordinary experience that I doubt words can do justice to but I’m utterly compelled to try.

I’ve always been a questioning sort of person and continue to be although I don’t always get the answers I want. Sometimes I don’t get answers at all but what I get is far more important than that. I get positive change. That’s far more valuable than anything that answers can provide. These changes within me are worth embracing any notions I previously considered to be strange or impossible or flighty (the list goes on). The truth is that I’m not asked to believe anything really. I’m just asked to agree to do certain things to heal. One of the things that I know is part of my healing is to speak and it would be impossible for me not to speak about this inner guidance. I know it’s inside of all of us. It’s a phenomenon that has such possibilities to end suffering and to bring about peace. It has astounding potential and yet it is a very personal and unique experience for everyone. It can’t be bottled or marketed but it can be shared and people can be inspired to pursue their own experience of it in their own way and that’s what I hope to do.

 

Observing my thought patterns… the reason I never have to watch disaster movies

Inner work has been quite an adventure for me at times. I began this inner work after becoming involved in shamanism and ultimately working with shamanic plant medicines such as Ayahuasca and Iboga. These plants can do amazing things to propel people forward into a state of improved mental health, but often the work begins after taking the medicine. The most popular term that people use to describe the application of the gifts that these medicines bring is ‘integration’. I have worked steadily over the last couple of years on integration and one of the most important aspects of this work is observing the mind. I have come to a point where I’ve been able to observe my thoughts and begin to change the kinds of thoughts that occupy my mind. Some repeating themes have surprised me. I wrote previously about getting acquainted with The Bully Within and the inner adventures continue.

Becoming mindful can be a bigger experience than I had ever imagined. Of course, I had never imagined becoming ‘mindful’. I just wanted to cure myself of a deep four year depression. This led me down an astonishing path of revelations that continue to amaze me daily. A requirement of my healing was to observe my thought patterns. What havoc! I will start out by saying that this is an ongoing process as is all of this inner work but one of the first things that struck me was how often I had conjured up images of disasters. It reminded me of listening to my mother’s worries when we were kids. “I could see you falling and breaking your back and the ambulance coming!” There were lots of references to the spinal cord. My father was a big one for “you’ll crack your head open!”. This always inspired interesting images in our little heads but the point is, that although there were some accidents when we were kids (I was one of 5 children) reality could never compete with the incessant vivid catastrophes that took place in my mother’s mind – it simply wasn’t possible. Well, as it turns out, I take after her and far too many of the thoughts that came to my mind with alarming frequency were disaster scenarios. Not only related to my child, although that one I’m sure many can understand.

I was surprised to discover that I was haunted by such thoughts on a regular basis. The internal stress that this caused was immeasurable not to mention the effect it had on my outlook. These thoughts would come unbidden at all times of the day, completely unrelated to anything I was doing at times. I would have images of accidents and all manner of painful or dangerous events happening either in my house or on the street.. things falling, me falling, tripping and getting caught under a bus, stepping on cut glass, getting electrocuted, fires, injuries, natural disasters, you name it. Granted, sometimes these things were related to issues I was dealing with i.e. while cleaning up a broken glass or getting on a bus but I realized after observing my thoughts long enough that this was sort of like a program that continued to run completely independent of anything I was involved with at the time. These little images flew into my mind and out again and I was left with the impression of them and the internal reaction to these impressions. It’s hard to believe that this had been happening for so long without me being aware of it or taking note. I guess I had never thought that this was something that could be changed or that I had any control over. But I did and once I became aware of this pattern, I began to address it and intentionally change it.

I remember that the idea of being on the edge of my seat in a movie theatre (or in my living room for that matter) was never appealing for me and now I understand this better. I had a disaster movie marathon running through my mind on a regular basis. Having worked to change the landscape of my mind, I admit that I’m still not in any way tempted to watch disaster flicks.. I don’t think it was ever meant to be my thing but I’m grateful to be at liberty to find my ‘edge of the seat’ experiences in other ways. Of course there was a point where I breathed easier and was pleased with my progress about this. After some diligent work I can honestly say that this doesn’t occupy my mind much at all anymore. Did I feel peaceful as a result? Of course, and then I was presented with the next challenge but this is a path I have chosen and there’s always more work to do.

I will admit to having more of an attraction to adventure films rather than disaster films (or thrillers) and although that’s still true, I have found that this inner adventure is quite enough for me at times. This work has also involved its fair share of external adventures as well involving travel and plant medicines (travel on many levels) so I think I am sufficiently sated in terms of stimulation. And as far as movies go, there are times that this work for me involves watching films and receiving lessons, insights and healing using this medium as a tool. It is a very customized regime that is also ongoing. I will write about this more fully in another post but for the time being, I just wanted to share about the nature of my thoughts past and present, both thoughts I have worked to oust from my mind and thoughts about observing my thoughts. Is that enough thinking for today? I think so, we can always move onto feelings soon, which is quite the adventure too.

Movies, Emotional Detox & A Glimpse into the Human Condition

After dropping off my son this morning, I was overcome by emotion. The emotion wasn’t really attached to anything – maybe a general desire and appreciation for community but really, it was just one of many episodes designed to release pent up emotions. This is not an unusual thing for me these days and it’s not an indicator that anything is wrong. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I began a path of healing two years ago to heal myself from a very deep depression that lasted for years. This path has taken all kinds of twists and turns and has become the greatest and most intensive education I could have ever imagined. I’ve learned a great deal about myself and the world and my particular role in the world through a connection that has been unfailingly wise, supportive and loving. Many people make this connection through meditation and I’m sure that each person’s experience of this is as unique as they are. My connection was created through a shamanic process I engaged in two years ago as part of my efforts to cure my depression. Little did I know back then that I would be embarking upon an extraordinary adventure that would lead me through astonishing experiences that continue to this day. I’m not sure what my reaction would have been if I did know this back then. At that time, I would have done just about anything to relieve my suffering but I can say that it would have surprised me to know that I would be involved in anything that was deemed to be spiritual.

I’m sure that I was hoping for a quick fix but any kind of fix would do for me at that time as I was in such pain. I now realize that healing is a life long journey and it’s really a matter of taking a lead role in the direction and quality of my life. One doesn’t have to be depressed to see the benefits of this but being depressed forced me to see it. I think that this is why some people who have recovered from addictions, depression or other serious illnesses find themselves feeling grateful. Like many of them, I know that I would never have embarked on this journey if I hadn’t found myself in such a deep state of despair.

I have used various healing tools on this journey and many of them were prescribed through this connection to a deep intuition or presence. I have been taken through a process of emotional detox that has been quite a long one. I have been guided toward certain media – movies and books – that evoke a specific emotional reaction within me and often teach me a lesson. Mostly these lessons are about experiences I’ve had in my life and how they have affected me. Sometimes through these stories (either a movie or a book) I am introduced to a situation that needs to be addressed or more often an experience I had that needed to be acknowledged for what it was and how it made me feel. I often respond with tears and as I shed the tears there is a sense of release, understanding and peace. Sometimes there is pain but almost always a pain that is being brought up to be released so it’s a relief really – like finding the knot so it can be massaged. In these cases it is a gnawing pain that’s deeply embedded and causes untold problems until it’s brought to the surface to be acknowledged and released.

This process is quite remarkable. It’s obviously been custom designed for me. The movies I’ve been guided to watch are mostly movies I’ve seen before (or at least knew about) and sometimes they are not necessarily ones I want to watch. Just about every time I have this strong intuition toward one of these movies I’m doubtful and think I must be imagining things. Doubt is a constant that I’ve just gotten used to and I don’t even bother anymore to swat it away like a fly as I used to. Now I just allow doubt to run like a necessary computer program doing regular maintenance. Having experienced such extraordinary things through this process so far, I’m motivated to move beyond the doubt enough to watch the movie and every single time I’m amazed at how new and profound the experience is. There’s always something that stands out in the film that didn’t when I watched it before and it resonates so deeply with me that it’s unmistakable what the personal message is. Sometimes I respond emotionally before I fully understand why but the understanding comes as the tears fall. I always feel much better afterwards. It’s not like a regular cry at all (although I suspect that’s healthy too). It’s actually an elevating feeling – like I’ve achieved a different way of being afterwards. Sometimes it’s more pronounced than others but it’s always there and it always changes me for the better.

Sometimes these stories provide me with lessons about humanity. There is the prevalent issue of the senseless conflict in this world. This is something that we’re all aware of on some level but this message reaches a whole new level when this kind of lesson is underway. It’s like waking up to something so ridiculously simple and knowing that we’re failing to see the reality and impact of it. There is another persistent yet unique theme about humanity that becomes clearer and clearer to me each day, which is that humanity itself is an ecosystem. Initially this concept helped me to address my questions and anxiety about so many things that I found to be disturbing in this world. It became apparent to me that although I didn’t agree with every philosophy, system or approach to life, they all have their purpose – even those that may seem dark and destructive. I am often reminded of my depression which I saw no sense in at the time. This idea of humanity as an ecosystem gave me a great sense of peace. It’s a concept that I will expand upon more completely in my writing and in my book but it will also be an idea that I will continue to explore and engage with in responding to the world around me. It helps me respond more peacefully to the world and to expend my energies in a more appropriate and healthy way. This issue of the appropriate expenditure of energy is a lesson in and of itself that is continually reinforced and it’s worth sharing but I’ll leave that for another day when my energy reserves have been sufficiently replenished!

Credibility: Belief & Trust

To address the issue of credibility, in relation to the experiences I’ve been having and writing about, I decided to look up the definition of the word. It was quite a revelation as it often is when you pursue this kind of inquiry. There is a sense of chasing your tail. One word leads to another, which leads back to the first. Credibility definitions all have to do with belief and trust. As usual there are synonyms and examples of the use of the word and you inevitably come across other words and themes like reality and truth. Looking into the definitions of these related words is a very similar experience and I recommend that everyone do this but just in case you don’t think you’ll find the time, I have printed my findings at the bottom of this post.

Looking at the origins of words is often more intriguing than looking up the definition and it can provide more insight. I looked up the origins (etymology) of similar words: credible, credentials, credence. Eventually it led to the word Credo literally meaning “I believe”. I think the most important aspect of this exercise is that it shows that what we believe is what is considered to be credible. It reflected back to me the same kind of theme that repeats itself often on this journey of healing: when I look outside of myself to discover anything it always circles back to me in the end.

There are other interesting discoveries to be made in definitions for related words. Within the definition of the word ‘reality’ I found this most revealing statement that is meant to illustrate the meaning of this word:

  • a thing that is actually experienced or seen, especially when this is grim or problematic.

It’s interesting to consider the fact that we find something more credible – more reality based – if it is negative. I think we have all experienced the word reality more often than not being used in relation to something grim or unpleasant which is always contrasted by the idea of fantasy. This leads me back to why I made this inquiry in the first place. The word incredible is often used as an overwhelmingly positive description of something. It’s usually understood that whatever is being described as ‘incredible’ is actually witnessed or experienced. All of this would seem to indicate that what we experience as overwhelmingly positive, we find hard to believe. What does this say about our collective state of mind? At the very least, I think it can be changed for the better and I believe that this change is already underway with the growing interest in meditation, intention and consciousness. Areas of thinking that have been conventionally perceived as separate and opposed (science and spirituality) are now coming together to form beliefs (credibility – reality) that represent great progress and promise for humanity.

End Note: If you look at the definitions below, when you come across the part of the definition for the word ‘reality’ that states: “existence that is.. not subject to human decisions or inventions”, I hope you either have a good chuckle as I did or consider the various versions of reality we are exposed to daily on a social level (people’s opinions/beliefs) or look into the concept of quantum reality that continues to be a point of contention as many scientists remain committed to their own beliefs surrounding this revelation rather than continue to explore these phenomenal possibilities that might upset everything we’ve understood about reality to date. I think this is a good example of the spiritual and scientific community coming together, even though not all scientists are ready to consider the idea of our impact (observer’s effect) on reality to be ‘credible’.

End Note II: If you want a further chuckle, look up the definition of ‘reality’ yourself and see all of the references to ‘reality TV’.

Credibility/Credible

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/credible

: able to be believed : reasonable to trust or believe

: good enough to be effective

Full Definition of CREDIBLE

:  offering reasonable grounds for being believed <a credible account of an accident> <credible witnesses>

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/credibility

The quality of being trusted and believed in: the government’s loss of credibility

Origin

Mid 16th century: from medieval Latin credibilitas, from Latin credibilis (see credible).

Late Middle English: from Latin credibilis, from credere ‘believe’.

Etymology

Credible:

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=credible

credible (adj.)

“believable,” late 14c., from Latin credibilis “worthy to be believed,” from credere (see credo). Related: Credibly.

Credentials

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=credentials

credentials (n.)

“letters entitling the bearer to certain credit or confidence,” 1670s, from Medieval Latin credentialis, from credentia (see credence). Probably immediately as a shortening of letters credential (1520s, with French word order); earlier was letter of credence (mid-14c.).

Credence

credence (n.)

mid-14c., from Medieval Latin credentia “belief,” from Latin credentum (nominative credens), past participle of credere “believe, trust” (see credo).

Credo

credo (n.)

late 12c., from Latin, literally “I believe,” first word of the Apostles’ and Nicene Creeds, first person singular present indicative of credere “to believe,” from PIE compound *kerd-dhe- “to believe,” literally “to put one’s heart” (cognates: Old Irish cretim, Irish creidim, Welsh credu “I believe,” Sanskrit śrad-dhā- “faith”), from PIE root *kerd- (1) “heart” (see heart (n.)). The nativized form is creed. General sense of “formula or statement of belief” is from 1580s.

                When you look up the word ‘Truth’ you find many references to ‘Reality’:

  • that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

                                     This led me to examine the word ‘Reality’

re·al·i·ty

noun: reality

the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.

“he refuses to face reality”

synonyms:the real world, real life, actuality; More truth; physical existence” distinguishing fantasy from reality”
antonyms:fantasy
    
  • a thing that is actually experienced or seen, especially when this is grim or problematic.
  1. 2.

the state or quality of having existence or substance.

  • Philosophy

existence that is absolute, self-sufficient, or objective, and not subject to human decisions or conventions.

Origin

late 15th century: via French from medieval Latin realitas, from late Latin realis ‘relating to things’ (see real1).

My conclusion about reality? It’s all relative…

Exposing the Bully Within

I just returned from a trip to England with my young son and during this trip I became more acquainted with the bully within. I first encountered this concept of the bully through a dream that illuminated the fact that my writing was suffering due to internal interference. In this scenario, I was both the bully and the victim. The guidance I continue to receive on this and many other issues is a result of my involvement in shamanism and plant medicines for the purpose of healing and growth. During this recent trip to England it became clear to me that this bully inside of me interferes in every aspect of my life if I allow it to and I have done so because I’ve been unaware of it. Thoughts arise in my mind and are often immediately responded to by the bully sometimes in the form of ongoing harmful chatter. This affects the way I feel about myself and about everyone and everything around me. It also affects how I make decisions both big and small. I have identified it as the voice inside that asserts itself as soon as I come up with a thought or an idea – going to a store to pick up something I need, redecorating a room in a way that I have wanted to for so long, embarking on a project that intrigues me or even as I begin to imagine myself in some pleasant circumstances. Usually the reason I have put off some project is because the bully comes up with an endless list of reasons why it won’t work out or why it’s a bad idea. Sometimes this is expressed in arguments or images and other times it’s a pressure – the kind of uncomfortable pressure you might feel when you’re being scrutinized. What follows is a discouraging heaviness. Sometimes I avoid the heaviness by moving on but of course the ideas and bullying tactics simply resurface.

This situation has created a harsh atmosphere within my mind that has affected my daily experience for a very long time now. It’s been exhausting. I believe that this is what ultimately led to a deep depression that lasted for years. It was just over a year ago that I began to fully emerge from this depression although it’s been a long and involved process that became the path that I am still on today. This discovery of the bully within has had a tremendous impact on me. It was a deep knowing that I’ve experienced before when receiving these spiritually communicated insights. It occurred when I was wandering the streets of London with my son. We were venturing out to explore the area around the place where we were staying. I was excited and daunted at the same time. It was the first time that I traveled overseas alone with my young son (6 years old). We were looking for a café and some shops and as the feelings of excitement became eclipsed by the daunting feelings, there was a pause and then it was made clear to me what was happening. My inner guiding voice made me aware of the fact that the bully had taken over and that this was a common occurrence in my life.

The truth of it descended upon me and began to permeate my mind and body. It was a physical, spiritual and intellectual event. I didn’t need to rationalize it – I knew it to be true instantly. This knowing is superior to rationalization. Rationalizing is bully territory. It gives the bully an opportunity to legitimize all of its assertions and tear down the notion of its existence. Instead of rationalizing, what usually follows these revelations is processing – allowing all of the pieces to fall into place in my mind and they often do with startling effect. It’s the kind of experience that inspired exclamations like “Eureka!” or in modern times “Aha!”. As this revelation occurred, the bully subsided and I continued to walk the beautiful streets of London, marveling at both the outer and inner events of my life. I was enjoying exploring London with my son and moving through this revelation that I knew would change my life for the better although not without some work.

During this trip to England, some stressful situations arose and that is when the bully began to encroach upon my thoughts again. My son became ill and there were times that I began to question everything. It was at times like this that I was most vulnerable to the bully. Instead, I was guided: “don’t enter the victim state”. It was true that I was on the verge of tears and that my capacity to navigate this situation was being compromised by this pull towards the victim stance. I was tired and confused. I even began to write about it while my son was playing loudly with some toys in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic in Weymouth. I didn’t have long to write or to do anything but attend to my son and try to address his needs in this unfamiliar environment. My son was up throughout the night with a high fever and I used damp cloths to cool his head and read to him. We watched bad late night television until he finally fell asleep just before dawn. The next day we prepared to travel again and I wondered if he would be well enough to get on the train. As he lay on the bed my son looked up at me and said “we’re really having an adventure now aren’t we!” I smiled at his attitude after such a night and the wisdom of his statement stayed with me as I realized that challenges are pretty much an essential part of any genuine adventure.

The adventure continued as later that day I saw that my son’s eyes were becoming disturbingly red – beyond bloodshot. I knew that as soon as we got off the train and arrived in the next town, I would have to find another doctor. I heeded the guided warning each time it was given but it was a struggle. I’m so thankful that it was repeated many times as I was made to see that things would have been made so much more difficult for me (and my son for that matter) if I gave into the familiar victim state. I’ve been learning about how the external world responds to or is a reflection of our internal state and that this is why inner work is the most important work of all. Not only is this notion of reality shared by some pioneers (both new and old) in the world of quantum physics and science, it was also revealed to me in an Ayahuasca session during which my curiosity about the matter was responded to with “your reality is a result of your state”. All of the work I’ve been guided to do since then has been about improving my state. Now that I’m home safe and sound with my son who is feeling better, it’s time to address the issue of the bully within. I have to try to become more aware of this bullying in action so as to expose it and in doing so, render it powerless over me.

It has been revealed to me that this bully entity within is a composite of many negative and judgmental voices and influences that I have heard and experienced throughout my life. This is quite an extensive collection of opinions, assertions and attitudes and it will take a huge effort to oust this internal influence but I know that it’s something I must do if I am to move forward. I have been so used to tuning into spiritual guidance over the last few months that it’s almost as though this bully snuck up on me. However, now that I’m becoming more familiar with the rhythm of this healing path, it makes sense that this bully is being revealed to me prominently now so that I may address it. The voice of the bully must be heard so that I can recognize it, acknowledge the role it has played in my life and officially say goodbye to it.

Recognizing the voice of the bully within is no small task I can assure you. Often it’s like there’s a low volume radio program on inside my head and although I’m not aware of listening, the content is registering. It feels as much a part of me sometimes as breathing but I know now that it’s not a part of me at all but it’s a part of my experience and thankfully, I have a spiritual ally that will help me change this. After all, I wouldn’t even be aware of it without the help of this guidance. It’s an inner guidance that comes from an authentic place that cannot tolerate the bully. I think this bully within is the root of many issues in my life so this is an opportunity for extensive growth. In a shamanic workshop over a year ago I asked for help to silence the harmful voices within. I think that so much of the work I’ve done since then has led me here to this point of addressing the bully within. There were steps I needed to take to get here and the path continues to take twists and turns with peaks and valleys but ever upward. Sometimes the upward climb can be a strain, but it’s always rewarding.

I have been constantly given tools to negotiate this path and I can’t imagine life without them now. Some of these tools are available to anyone (the presence process, plant medicines etc.) but not necessarily appropriate for everyone and some of the tools are customized for me. I’m often given phrases, intentions and concepts that help me understand and address various issues in my life as they arise. Once I became committed to this path, the guidance was more pronounced and accessible to me and has become a way of life for me now. I’m ever grateful for this guidance I’m receiving and it’s this guiding voice that urges me to share these experiences as much as possible. The very act of sharing these experiences is healing for me and it has been very clearly indicated to me that this is my purpose. I feel the truth of this every time I share my experiences.

The Bully

Dream: I am given a writing assignment. The editor at a major literary magazine has given me an assignment to write an article about a gift he plans to give a celebrated author. He tells me that he is giving a particular book to this writer and he wants me to write an article about it. I was given the book and asked to write a certain amount of words and then was left to it. When I turned around the author was right behind me. I set out to find a private place to write and she followed me. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know as to why she was following me. It was a familiar look. It was the look of the bully. I tried to find several places to write in this building and wherever I went there she was. I went to great lengths to find a spot where she would not find me but no matter what I did she managed to find her way there and stood there looking at me pointedly. I tried to write with her there and was unable to do so because she made me so nervous. I went so far as to ask for help from someone at the magazine. I was given the keys to an apartment that was for the exclusive use of the person who granted me the keys. He told me that he went there to write and that it would be a good place for me to do so. I went there and locked the door behind me but when I looked up just before I began to write, there she stood, the author who wouldn’t leave me alone. I had become so distraught that I knew I couldn’t write and of course that was the point of her haunting me. As I continued to try to find a place where I could write undisturbed I thought of the book that was given to me, the book that would be a gift for this author. The book was about a bully and of course I was considering writing about what an appropriate gift this book was for this particular author but it seemed that I would never get a chance to write at all. After several attempts to find a peaceful place to write I finally stopped and looked directly into the eyes of the author who had been so aggressively pursuing me and taunting me this whole time and I realized that I was looking into my own eyes. The author who would not let me alone, who would not leave me in peace to write, this bully was me.

This is a perfect example of an instructive dream. These dreams are given to me to teach me a lesson that I need to learn about myself. Almost every dream I have of this nature is about myself or about my relationship with someone in my life. A dream like this is sending me a very direct message, one that I am intended to act on. I don’t have dreams like this very often. I realized some time ago that when a message is intended to get through to me, I would have no trouble interpreting the dream that was the vehicle for this message. There were times in the past when I struggled over the interpretation of one dream or another but since I was given this inner voice as a guide in my life I was able to receive direction on this matter. So now I will stare down that bully and tell you about the experiences that I am having and have had over the last year or so that have changed the way I look at the world and the way that I experience it. It has changed everything for me and I know that I was meant to share these experiences with you.

I know that we all have an inner voice. Sometimes it becomes apparent to us in the form of intuition, which many of us don’t pay much attention to at all. I know that I didn’t and once I discovered the significance of it, it astonished me that I was able to go so long without tapping into it or even acknowledging it. Having said this, my inner voice was never so prominent and complex as it is today. I had to do many things to bring this about having no idea where it would lead. I’m now writing a book about my journey and sharing some of these experiences on my website. I began this journey as a means to heal myself from depression. This is where my journey led me and I know that these things unfold differently for everyone but I do encourage everyone to find ways to connect with this source of infinite wisdom that is available to all of us. Some do this through meditation and others through shamanism and/or various spiritual practices but it all begins with intention and you can do this independently. If you have the intention to connect directly with your higher self, presence, your spirit guide or whatever word you feel comfortable with, you can begin there and see where it takes you. I don’t think I know of anyone who regretted it and there are millions of lives that have been utterly transformed by it.